“You’re Not Crazy, You’re Super Menopausal.”

It’s Been A Year Part II

…. When we were last on this blog…

I was struggling to write How To Catch A Prince (Starred review from Library Journal)

After the initial crash and burn in the bathroom, I rested during the weekend and sort of rebounded during the week.

I was feeling good for the most part, getting writing done.

I concluded the incident in the bathroom was just me being tired and the panic attack from the pit of hell.

You can disagree with me but when “it” left as my husband prayed over me, I pretty much knew that sucker was demonic!

I heard: “You don’t have enough time.”

Sounds like the accuser of the brethren, doesn’t it?

In my weakened physical state it was a horrid combination.

And the enemy never fights fair.

Anyway…

Somewhere during the first week, I started feeling weird again.

At night, I’d start to shake. Then stress.

“What if I can’t get it done?”

“I’m supposed to go to the sales conference but I don’t want to travel.”

The trembling and anxiety increased as did the stress.

I couldn’t get out of it easily.

My schedule had no “gives” in it and I just didn’t see my way clear to get it all done.

Worse, I didn’t “feel” like getting it done.

I think it was during the second week of this ordeal, Hubby was gone one evening, and I thought I’d do some writing after dinner.

But I couldn’t think.

I was weary, drained, a creative desert.

I can’t even explain how I felt but it was desperation topped with hopeless.

Even the idea of quitting brought no relief.

I prayed, believed, and prayed again.

The book, the story, was all jumbled in my head.

So I called my writing partner, the amazing Susan May Warren.

“Help! I can’t do this… I can’t. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

She was cooking dinner for her busy household yet without hesitation or pause, she put everything on hold to help me brainstorm the romantic plot.

I’d set up a difficult situation between my hero and heroine.

“No wonder this is hard,” she said, in her comforting way.

We talked and brainstormed for an hour and finally I had some relief.

But when I’d go to bed, I’d fall asleep for a few minutes, maybe a half hour, and wake up, heart racing, thoughts jumbled, doubting myself.

Feeling yucky.

I’d move around the house trying to find a place to sleep. Trying to find a place to pray. A place of peace.

The shaking and heart pounding kept me from sleep even if I managed to empty worry from my thoughts. Kept me from concentrating on prayer. So I’d offer prayer-flares.

Sometimes I’d watch a Frasier or Last Man Standing on Netflix.

Eventually I’d sleep around 3 or 4 in the morning.

Sometimes not at all. And I’d hit the gym at 5:00 looking for those great exercise endorphins to release and give me some sense of normalcy.

Waves of melancholy crashed over me. Not the good reminiscing kind but had me missing people and things I couldn’t get back in my life.

Like, you know, being 25.

I’d walk our dog around our neighborhood circle and feel, in some strange way, I was walking on the outside of life, looking in.

At my doctor’s appointment, I sat on the examine table looking and feeling like I’d met with a Mac truck head on.

She sent me for blood work.

A few days later, the doc called. “You’re not crazy! You’re super menopausal.”

WHAT? 

I’d been sailing through the last few years of changes and felt pretty sure I had this menopause thing handled.

Not so much. It kind of hand me handled.

But knowing what was going on provided huge understanding. I knew how to pray!

I still wasn’t sleeping well. And the night time trembling and heart racing were annoying.

Once I turned in the book, unfinished and the last 100 pages unedited, I thought I’d have some relief.

I’d survived the last month!

But my hormones were still adjusting.

I’d have good days and bad days. Sometimes a good day and bad day all in the same 24-hours.

My doc and I decided to “just walk through it.”

I was leary of adding hormones to the mess of hormones I was already dealing with.

She agreed. And I appreciate her for it!

So….

First up on the schedule-that-wouldn’t-bend was a writers retreat with My Book Therapy the last week of February.

Unlike past years, I wasn’t looking forward to going. But I had to keep my commitment.

And unlike past years, I didn’t have my own room.

I was sharing with my best bud, Susie May. We’d done it before but not with me having sleep issues.

But I knew I had to face my fear of going. That the hormones were talking and I’d give them NO authority over me.

I wondered if I’d be any help to the attendees who would have private sessions with me.

The night before I drove up, I didn’t sleep well.

Zombie like, I got in my little green convertible and headed out. First stop, my brother’s in Tallahassee.

And I had a date with some old friends and one of my girls from youth church days.

And at this point, I was confessing to anyone who’d listen, “I’m super menopausal!”

I decided to face my hormonal emotions straight on.

“You cannot own me!”

Here’s what I saw in the Word as promised by the Holy Spirit that lives in me: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control.

Where in there is anxiety, nervousness and melancholy? Nowhere.

And sleep, hello! God’s word even promises sleep. Psalm 4, Proverbs 3.

I popped in my favorite worship music to start out the drive, then switched to teachings from my favorite Bible teacher/ministry.

I was going to flood my soul, my mind, my body with truth. With light. I was going to fellowship with the One who loves me!

In truth, I was mad at my body for putting me through this.

How was it fair? What had I ever done to my body to deserve this?

I had moments wondering where God was in it all as I was praying and believing for peace and healing.

But it was in the midst of those dark days that I sought Him all the more.

I invited a prayer-warrior friend over for evenings of prayer.

I repented of being mad at my body.

I prayed Psalm 139 over myself. “I’m fearfully and wonderfully made!”

In the midst of our storms, there is always the Light of the Lord.

I’m telling you, there’s a scripture for everything if you’re willing to look, to believe, to stand.

You know, we love the Lord, we believe His Word until the storms hit.

Then we tend to crumble, seek answers among men, among medicine and worldly philosophies.

But it’s in our storm that we cry out to Him.

Mark 6 has such a great story of Jesus walking on the water past His boys-in-the-boat.

They’re scared, thinking it’s a ghost. But they call out to Him anyway. (Why, I’m not sure…)

But Jesus, Mark says, “Intended to pass them by.”

What? Um, Jesus, hello… They were scared and in need of You.

But only when they called out to Him did he enter the boat and bring peace.

Ever notice when Jesus approached people for healing He said, “What do you want Me to do for you?”

“Can’t you see I’m blind? Helloooo!”

But there’s something about asking, about releasing faith, about partnering with Jesus even for our own healing.

It’s the divine paradox of faith, sovereignty and relationship.

It’s like “When you enter into faith and agreement with heaven you release His sovereignty and power thus increasing the depth of your relationship.”

That’s where I was… not feeling it but leaning into it.

I’d drop to my knees in the middle of making the bed or writing and cry out, “God, heal me.”

How amazing to have the ear and heart of the Most High!

 

Stay tune for part three…

You’re Not Crazy, You’re Super Menopausal.
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