How to Tell If You’re Codependent

Whenever I spend time with Henry Cloud, author of the book Boundaries, I feel like I’m meeting with Yoda. Only he’s not as old and much taller. But it’s crazy to me how perceptive he is about relationships.

Once I complained to him about another leader who was stealing money from people by lying to them. I complained for a few minutes and he asked if I was going to do anything about it. I wasn’t. Plenty of people already were. I had no intention of doing anything about it.

“Then why is this guy getting under your skin?” Henry said. “He has nothing to do with you.”

He was right, of course.

I was just complaining for the sake of complaining, getting worked up for the sake of drama. And it was costing me.

I wondered what it would be like to be Henry, to only have on your plate what belongs on your plate. To only be concerned with the things in life that actually should concern you. To leave other people’s drama alone. Of course Henry wasn’t talking about turning a blind eye to injustice; he was talking about all the stuff we get ourselves involved in that we shouldn’t, namely, the lives of other people.

There’s a word for people who feel too much of other people’s emotions, who involve themselves so deeply in the lives of others that their personal well being rides like a roller coaster based on the thoughts and actions of others.

That word is codependency.

And it ruins relationships.

Not long before Betsy and I got married, we attended the wedding of a friend in which Henry officiated. In the ceremony, he explained rather directly that the more the couple is independent, the more they can be one. They’d have to know where they began and ended in order to truly connect.

I have another friend, Al Andrews, who won’t do a marriage ceremony unless when the unity candle is lit, the couple neglects to blow out the individual candle. His point is, you both keep on burning, shining, and living independently even though you also shine, burn, and live as one.

The self does not die.

The self only changes, and hopefully becomes more beautiful.

I talk in Scary Close about how much codependency ruined my early relationships. I’m so grateful, marrying Betsy, to know that she is she and I am me and we are independently together. I’d say that idea alone has saved us a hundred arguments.

Don’s new book about getting Scary Close releases in two weeks. You can order it now on Amazon, or if you’d like an autographed copy, you can order one from Barnes & Noble. If you order before February 3rd, you get a free audio book of Blue Like Jazz! Just submit your receipt number at www.scaryclose.com.

How to Tell If You’re Codependent is a post from: Storyline Blog