The Internet Has Lost Its Shit.

But I guess that’s Wednesday for you, right? Today in the utterly ridiculous:

Stars: They’re Just Like Us Because They Drop Their Phones In Toilets Which Begs The Question, “Then What Are You Tweeting From?”

World gone mad. AND I dropped my phone in the toilet AGAIN!! I should own stock in Carolina Rice.

— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) January 13, 2015

Grains of rice stuck in phone. This may end my @twitter career. — Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) January 13, 2015

Newest on IPhone saga: so I stuck it overnight in this rice I bought and next morning a tiny worm crawled out of the headphone opening!

— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) January 14, 2015

They Have Invented A Love Potion, Finally.

The New York Times published a story on Sunday about a woman who used science to fall in love. She and a willing participant based their lovesperiment on a study “that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions.”

There are 36 questions in total, which are probably similar to the ones Match.com asked your aunt. The author notes that in order to fall in love one has to be open to the idea of falling in love, and technically, you’d have to get the other person to sit with you long enough for a full round of romantic “Never Have I Ever.” Still, theoretically it means you could blind side your next Hinge date. “Oh, you thought we were going to see ‘Birdman,’ you total stranger? HAHA THINK AGAIN — WE ARE FALLING IN LOVE.” [NY Times]

You’ve Probably Heard By Now That You Can Ship Your Enemies Glitter.

It’s taken the Internet by sparkly storm, which begs the question: what does that say about us? Frankly, I didn’t know that having personal “enemies” was a thing again. The last time I had one was in kindergarten and it’s because she stole my glitter. The time before that I was defending my family’s honor on Game of Thrones. [Ship Your Enemies Glitter]

Perhaps You’ve Also Heard That Pizza Hut Has Gone Gluten Free…

But what I’m most impressed by is TIME.com’s dedication to unbiased, professional journalism. They’re treating this information with the same integrity as they would actual — you know — news.

Two examples of strong pizza reporting:

1) “A slice of the gluten-free pizza’s cheese and pepperoni offerings come in at 150 and 170 calories, respectively.”

2) And, a correction was amended: “The original version of this article misstated the number of Pizza Hut locations that will offer gluten-free pies. The chain will offer the pizzas in 2,400 of its 6,300 domestic locations.” I respect this. Thank you. [TIME]

One Last Bit of “News” You’ve Likely Already Heard About But Did Not Over-Analyze:

There is a dog in Seattle who has learned to take the bus by himself…

That is wonderful. Good for him. He is reducing his carbon pawprints. But can we please discuss:

1) “Few are greeted by a smile when they slobber on the seat.” – Try taking the bus in SF or Manhattan.

2) The woman at :25 is confused about what is and what isn’t a person.

3) “She often roams the isles of the D line looking for a seat, which makes perfect sense for a dog who rides alone.” – No it does not. None of this makes sense.

4) The overuse of the reporter’s downward inflections, because though that style of speaking is what’s taught in a reporting class (as opposed to a grating, upward-inflection hat makes everything sound like a question), it makes me think I’m listening to a serious human interest piece where I’m supposed to cry at the end.

5) Only I don’t cry at the end, because someone instead makes the noise of a rabid ostrich at 2:07.

Please discuss.