Ultimate Blog Series on Novel Queries (#4)

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This is my definitive No Rules series on novel queries. It's meant particularly for
writers who are new to the query process. (A series on nonfiction book queries will
come later.) Go back to
the beginning of the series.







RED FLAGS IN NOVEL HOOKS & QUERIES


To continue the previous
discussion on crafting a hook, here are a few ways to tell if your hook could
be tightened up:



Does your hook consist of several meaty paragraphs?



Does your hook run longer than 200 words?

Does your hook reveal the ending of your book?

Does your hook mention 3 characters or more?

Does your hook delve into subplots or supporting characters?

Does your hook talk about more than 2 plot twists?

Does your comprise more than 50% of your one page query?

Here are more examples of hooks, original versus revised.





ORIGINAL HOOK

Reversal of Providence is an 85,000-word modern thriller, with
elements of political intrigue and spy craft, blended with recent history. Readers
of authors like Frederick Forsyth, David Hagberg, Vince Flynn, and David Morrell's
spy fiction might enjoy this book.



What if, purely by accident, a cocky young man stumbles into a terrorist plot that
was set into motion years ago by the fall of the Soviet Union?



And is it just an accident, or is it fate? Are events in our lives directed by God's
will, or the wisdom of Allah? Reversal of Providence explores these themes. In Seattle,
a security expert gets in a car accident and stumbles upon a sinister plot. In Chechnya,
a teenager loses his father and is thrust into a new home that will alter the course
of his life.



Security salesman Ryan Anderson is on his way  to deliver the proposal of his
career when he is derailed by a minor fender bender with a semi-truck. The nervous
truck driver doesn't want to involve the police, and tries to ditch him. But bull-headed
Ryan is not going away, and a woman he just met, beautiful attorney Jessica Webb,
is soon just as determined to find the true identity of the truck driver once they
are both attacked by thugs wielding knives in the middle of the night.



Set primarily in Seattle, the clock ticks for Jessica and Ryan as we learn of a plan
created by factions of al-Qaeda and Chechen militants to incite an all-out war between
their two most hated enemies, the United States and Russia. The Chechen, Zaman Uzuyev,
is taken in by an imam at a mosque in Grozny, and he matures into a hardened and brutal
leader who will carry out the terrorists' plan.



Ryan and Jessica must learn to trust each other as they gather clues and face numerous
obstacles, culminating in their capture by by enemy Zaman in a deserted Seattle scrap
metal yard. As Zaman reveals his plan for the annihilation of two nations, Jessica
and Ryan struggle to escape and fight to defend themselves. Zaman finally unveils
his terrible weapon, and the young couple must defy insurmountable odds to stop the
terrorist, and save each other.



And they are not your typical spy couple, all sleek and perfect. Ryan is rash and
bold, rough around the edges. Jessica is cerebral and cautious, measured, yet drawn
in by Ryan's charisma.



At the close of the book, they foil the terrorist plot so well that they are whisked
to the White House where the president implores them to work for the National Security
Agency. "Spies," he says, offering them a job. "You'd be damn good ones." 




Reversal of Providence is the first in planned multi-book series featuring the duo
of Jessica Webb and Ryan Anderson. I have completed the outline for the second book,
Refusal to Comply. , and I have included the prologue and first chapter at the end
of Reversal of Providence as a teaser. My goal with this series is to create my version
of a modern, intelligent spy couple's adventures, with a broad audience range.

REVISED HOOK

Reversal of Providence is an 85,000-word modern thriller with
elements of political intrigue and spy craft, blended with recent history. Readers
of authors like Frederick Forsyth, David Hagberg, Vince Flynn, and David Morrell's
spy fiction might enjoy this book.



What if , purely by accident, a cocky young man stumbles into a terrorist
plot set into motion years ago by the fall of the Soviet Union?



And is it just an accident, or is it fate? Are events in our lives directed
by God's will, or the wisdom of Allah? Reversal of Providence explores these themes.
In Seattle, a security expert gets in a car accident and stumbles upon a sinister
plot. In Chechnya, a teenager loses his father and is thrust into a new home that
will alter the course of his life.




Security salesman Ryan Anderson is on his way  to deliver the proposal
of his career when he is derailed by a minor fender bender with a semi-truck. The
nervous truck driver doesn't want to involve the police, and tries to ditch him. But
bull-headed Ryan is not going away, and a woman he just met, beautiful attorney Jessica
Webb, is soon just as determined to find the true identity of the truck driver once
they are both attacked by thugs wielding knives in the middle of the night.




Set primarily in Seattle, the clock ticks for Ryan Anderson and Jessica Webb as we
learn of a plan created by factions of al-Qaeda and Chechen militants to incite an
all-out war between their two most hated enemies, the United States
and Russia. The Chechen, Zaman Uzuyev, is taken in by an imam at a mosque
in Grozny, and he matures into a hardened and brutal leader who will carry out the
terrorists' plan.




Ryan and Jessica must learn to trust each other as they gather clues and face
numerous obstacles, culminating in their capture by enemy Zaman in a deserted Seattle
scrap metal yard. As Zaman reveals his plan for the annihilation of two nations,
Jessica and Ryan struggle to escape and fight to defend themselves. Zaman
finally unveils his terrible weapon to annihilate the two nations, and the young couple
must defy insurmountable odds to stop the terrorist, and save each other.



And they are not your typical spy couple, all sleek and perfect. Ryan is rash
and bold, rough around the edges. Jessica is cerebral and cautious, measured, yet
drawn in by Ryan's charisma.





At the close of the book, they foil the terrorist plot so well that they are whisked
to the White House where the president implores them to work for the National Security
Agency. "Spies," he says, offering them a job. "You'd be damn good ones." 





[I consider this part of the closing.] Reversal of
Providence is the first in a series featuring the duo of Jessica Webb and Ryan
Anderson. My goal is to create a modern, intelligent spy couple's adventures.

Comments: I was able to cut a lot of unnecessary detail from this hook, though
I worry that an agent/editor will not find that irresistible twist to make this this
spy story memorable. My gut says something more is needed to get manuscript requests
for this (but what I cut isn't the "more" that is needed). If we had a sentence or
so that made us excited about the spy couple pair, like some unusual aspect/circumstance
that brings them together in a distinctive way, that could be the twist.





ORIGINAL HOOK

Florence Allen's average life of a respected teacher and pastor's wife
crumbles when her adopted, emotionally scarred son, Scott, is arrested for assaulting
a teenage girl, in my completed 60,000- word mystery, GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT. 




With a mother's instinct, Florence bucks the opinion of Peabody's residents as she
sets out to prove that Scott's arrest is not an open and shut case. She stumbles through
the role of private investigator and stirs up resentment when she investigates the
victim's cousin, Amber and her friends.  When one of the people she is investigating
ends up in the cornfield behind the Allen home, Florence becomes the main suspect
of their homicide.  Determined to identify the culprit behind the crimes, she
ventures into dangerous territory to prove both Scott's and her innocence.



Florence clings to the strong foundation of her faith and the unfailing support of
her husband as she experiences tender moments, endures mysterious accidents, wrestles
with family conflict, and when she uncovers incriminating evidence, struggles with
doubt of her own son's innocence.  Yet, through all this mayhem, lives change,
faith strengthens, and a bond of friendship springs from the ashes of pain.

REVISED HOOK

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Florence Allen's average life as a respected teacher and pastor's wife crumbles when
her adopted son, Scott, is arrested for assaulting a teenage girl, in my completed
60,000-word mystery, GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT. 




With a mother's instinct, Florence bucks the opinion of Peabody's residents as she
sets out to prove that Scott's arrest is not an open and shut case. She stumbles through
the role of private investigator and stirs up resentment when she investigates the
victim's family and friends. When one person she investigates
ends up dead in the cornfield behind her home, Florence becomes the main suspect.
Determined to identify the culprit behind the crimes, she ventures into dangerous
territory to prove both Scott's and her innocence.



Florence clings to the strong foundation of her faith and the unfailing support
of her husband as she experiences tender moments, endures mysterious accidents, wrestles
with family conflict, and when she uncovers incriminating evidence, struggles with
doubt of her own son's innocence. Yet, through all this mayhem, lives change, faith
strengthens, and a bond of friendship springs from the ashes of pain.

Comments: Many hooks (like this one) include a paragraph at the
beginning or end that emphasize the themes and/or emotional journey of the characters.
While the hook should get a reaction out of us (even touch us), telling it in this
way is rarely effective. It often seems cliche or overwrought. Whenever possible,
the story itself (and the voice of how that story is conveyed in the hook) should
hint at the emotional journey or depth. It's OK to refer specifically to a character's
emotional journey or to bigger meaning, but I advise limiting it to a sentence (do
not take a paragraph). Also, similar to the previous hook, I worry there's not yet
a distinctiveness here that will help set this mystery apart from others. (The title
isn't helping.)

ORIGINAL HOOK

The first time her momma goes off with one of the boyfriends for the whole
night, ten-year-old Rawling Summer decides she'll be the one doing the leaving as
soon as she knows how. But she doesn't know leaving your Momma and being free of her
are two different things.




A DECENT LIFE is Rawling's coming-of-age story set in Nordeen, a small southern town,
where not repeating your mother's life is as difficult as avoiding mosquitoes on a
hot summer night.



Rawling bides her time, avoiding Momma at home and the bullies at school. By the time
she's fifteen, she's talked her way into a job at the diner and is living in a room
upstairs. When she manages to graduate from high school, everyone in town thinks it's
a miracle. When she gets accepted to college to become a court reporter, no one believes
it. But when her mother dies in a car crash and ghosts from her mother's past come
to life, friends can only slow Rawling's slide backward. And no one, not even Roy,
her so-sweet and so-bad boyfriend, can save her when she learns about her daddy.

REVISED HOOK

The first time her momma goes off with one of the boyfriends for the whole
night, ten-year-old Rawling Summer decides she'll be the one doing the leaving as
soon as she knows how. But she doesn't know leaving your Momma and being free of her
are two different things.




A DECENT LIFE is Rawling's coming-of-age story set in a small southern town, where
not repeating your mother's life is as difficult as avoiding mosquitoes on a hot summer
night.



Rawling bides her time, avoiding Momma at home and the bullies at school.
By the time she's fifteen, she's talked her way into a job at the diner and is living
in a room upstairs. When she manages to graduate from high school, everyone in town
thinks it's a miracle. When she gets accepted to college to become a court reporter,
no one believes it. But when her mother dies in a car crash and ghosts from her mother's
past come to life, friends can only slow Rawling's slide backward. And no one, not
even Roy, her so-sweet and so-bad boyfriend, can save her when she learns about her
daddy.

Comments: The voice is so strong and distinctive in the first two paragraphs,
and raises enough intrigue, that I'd be comfortable stopping right there, and not
further elaborating. The only sticking point is that those 2 paragraphs may not hint
enough at the story arc. Some agents won't mind that. Others will. I would try testing
this hook by sending out 3-4 queries, tucking in the first page or two (which need
to be superlative), and seeing what agent response is like. If no one bites, then
perhaps the most critical elements of the third paragraph can be conveyed in about
1-2 sentences [probably the ghosts from the past? the daddy?], and be seamlessly worked
into those first 2 paragraphs. (That's not an easy task, for those wondering.)





Next up: Your query bio

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