Ultimate Blog Series on Novel Queries (#3)

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This is my definitive No Rules series on novel queries. It's meant particularly for
writers who are new to the query process. (A series on nonfiction book queries will
come later.) Go back to
the beginning of the series.







GREAT NOVEL HOOKS MAKE IT LOOK OH-SO EASY!


Whenever I teach a class where we critique hooks, just about everyone can
point out the problems and talk about how to improve them. Why? Because when you're
not the writer, you have distance from
the work.




When you do come across a great novel hook, it feels so natural and easy—like it was
effortless to write.




But great novel hooks are often toiled over. To convey a compelling story in just
a few words is the test of a great writer. Generally, I recommend
that your hook not exceed 150 words.




Brevity is the soul of wit. Brevity is your friend.



Brevity gets you in less trouble, too. The more you try to explain, the more you'll
squeeze the life out of your story. So: Get in, get out. Don't labor over plot
twists and turns.




Let's look at some examples and how to improve them.






ORIGINAL HOOK

Roswell Redemption, my 84,000-word historical novel, is told from
both the perspective of Jade, a thirteen year old Cherokee Indian girl in 1838, and
from Carolyn, a woman in current day searching for a historical home in the town of
Roswell, Georgia. Their stories come together in Greyson Manor.



1838 – Jade Hawkins is the only daughter of a prominent Cherokee family who own one
of the most successful plantations in the Cherokee Nation.  President Andrew
Jackson defies the Supreme Court ruling stating the Cherokee land must remain with
the Cherokee and forces Georgia Governor Lumpkin to conduct a land lottery. The Hawkins
plantation is taken over by David Greyson, the lottery winner, by force. In one horrendous
day, Jade's life changes forever. Her story takes us through the Civil War and how
her strength and sacrifices change the history of several families for many years
to come.



2010 – Carolyn Kane searches for a historical dwelling to restore as a restaurant
and event facility in the northern Georgia town of Roswell.  Carolyn finds the
perfect home to restore in Greyson Manor, one of the only remaining original plantations
still standing. The story behind Greyson Manor has remained untold and the current
owners have been unwilling to renovate or sell. As Carolyn strives to persuade the
Greyson clan, she uncovers a story about an Indian girl that will change the town
of Roswell forever.

REVISED HOOK

Roswell Redemption, my 84,000-word historical novel, is told from
both the perspective of Jade, a 13-year-old Cherokee Indian girl in 1838, and from
Carolyn, a woman in current day searching for a historical home in the town of Roswell,
Georgia. Their stories come together in Greyson Manor.



1838 – Jade Hawkins is the only daughter of a prominent Cherokee family who own one
of the most successful plantations in the Cherokee Nation. President Andrew
Jackson defies the Supreme Court ruling stating the Cherokee land must remain with
the Cherokee and forces Georgia Governor Lumpkin to conduct a land lottery. But
Hawkins plantation is taken over by force as a result of government
decree. David Greyson, the lottery winner, by force. In one horrendous
day, Jade's life changes forever. Her story Jade's story takes us through
the Civil War and how she changes the history of several families for many years to
come.



2010 – Carolyn Kane searches for a property where she can open a historical
dwelling to restore as a restaurant and event facility in the northern
Georgia town of Roswell. Carolyn finds the perfect home to restore
in Greyson Manor, one of the only remaining original plantations still standing. The
story behind Greyson Manor has remained untold and the However, the current
owners have been unwilling to renovate. As Carolyn strives to persuade the Greyson
clan to sell, she uncovers a story about an Indian girl that will change the town
of Roswell forever.

Comments: I took out extraneous detail and repetitive information. We have
a challenge for each of the protagonists that's clearly defined, which is good. To
take this hook to the next level, I'd look for ways to incorporate a stronger sense
of voice and/or personality behind these characters. Right now, it is direct and plain
in expression, without much attitude.



–



ORIGINAL HOOK

The enclosed sample of my commercial fiction, The Spirit of St. Charles,
tells the story of a young woman overcoming personal tragedy to rebuild her community,
ruined by a catastrophic hurricane. This story shows how a natural disaster changes
a young woman from living like a victim to a person with determination and emotional
strength. It is 73,000 words in length.   




Lara Jackson, a young black woman, returns to New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina.
She conquers a tragic childhood brought up by a mother who is an abusive alcoholic
with a series of live-in boyfriends. Lara carries a fear of men following an attack
on the streets of New Orleans when she was sixteen.



Lara has returned to New Orleans to find her aunt and uncle, Noreen and Henry, who
have been her substitute parents since she was ten.  During her search, she finds
tThey have escaped the flood by moving in with Henry's brother Phillip in an old mansion
in the Garden District. She works with them to rebuild their old house  where
they move back to a deserted neighbourhood. 


 


Finding romance with a white musician, the couple must face a rising crime rate in
her former fun loving city as they struggle to build careers in the entertainment
business. She becomes a strong woman who must face a house break-in and the death
of her husband. Conquering her bereavement, she joins the Mayor's campaign to fight
crime and to rebuild the community in memory of Jerome.

REVISED HOOK

The enclosed sample of my commercial fiction, The
Spirit of St. Charles (73,000 words) tells the story of a young woman overcoming
personal tragedy to rebuilding her community ruined by a catastrophic hurricane. This
story shows how a natural disaster changes a young woman from living like a victim
to a person with determination and emotional strength. It is 73,000 words in length.




Lara Jackson, a young black woman, returns to New Orleans after Hurricane
Katrina. She conquers a tragic childhood brought up by a mother who is an abusive
alcoholic with a series of live-in boyfriends. Lara carries a fear of men following
an attack on the streets of New Orleans when she was sixteen.




Lara Jackson, a young black woman, returns to New Orleans to find her aunt and uncle,
Noreen and Henry, who have been her substitute parents since she was ten. During
her search, she finds They have escaped the flood by moving in with Henry's brother
Phillip in an old mansion in the Garden District. She works with them to
rebuild their old house and move back in. where they move back to a deserted
neighbourhood. 


 


Lara marries a white musician, and the couple must face a rising crime rate in
her former fun loving city as they struggle to build careers in the entertainment
business. She becomes a strong woman who must face a house break-in and the
death of her husband. Conquering her bereavement, she joins the Mayor's campaign to
fight crime and to rebuild the community in memory of Jerome.  [needs
to be revised based on answers to questions below]

Comments: The big question I have after reading this hook: At what point does
the death of the husband occur? If it is near the end of the book, it probably shouldn't
be mentioned in the hook. If it is near the beginning of the book, then the hook needs
to focus on that death as the protagonist's challenge. The original hook spends a
lot of time on Lara's life *before* she marries. What percentage of the book is about
that story? Is it the key story? Is it just the first chapter or set up? Is her big
challenge really overcoming the death of her husband? It's unclear at this point what
the story problem is.



–



ORIGINAL

Shakespeare's on death row. That's the message a magical orb, with the
power to shape-shift and time-travel, gives middle-school siblings Jared and Athena
Hearne. According to the siblings, no one's more qualified to be his rescuers than
them. After all, twelve-year-old Jared's a Lego master and killer skateboarder who's
always game for an adventure, and older sister Athena's a bona fide drama queen: she's
going to be Queen Titania in the school play. They zip to Elizabethan England and
spring Shakespeare from his cell.



But talk about a comedy of errors. Shakespeare hijacks the orb and returns to modern
times with Jared, leaving Athena stranded in the sixteenth century. Eager to experience
his brave new world, the Bard goes on the lam. He "borrows" the high school quarterback's
Mustang and ends up in a tournament at Laser Tag World. Jared gives chase, desperate
to nab the problematic poet and herd him back to 1582. Until, that is, the orb is
stolen. Now Jared has a new mission: to hunt down the thief. Or else, Shakespeare
will be in line for a green card. And Athena's history.

REVISED

Shakespeare's on death row. That's the message a magical orb, with the
power to shape-shift and time-travel, gives middle-school siblings Jared and Athena
Hearne. According to the siblings, no one's more qualified to be his rescuers
than them. After all, twelve-year-old Jared's a Lego master and killer skateboarder
who's always game for an adventure, and older sister Athena's a bona fide drama queen:
she's going to be Queen Titania in the school play. They zip to Elizabethan
England and spring Shakespeare from his cell.



But talk about a comedy of errors. Shakespeare hijacks the orb and returns to modern
times with Jared, leaving Athena stranded in the sixteenth century. Eager to experience
his brave new world, the Bard goes on the lam. He "borrows" the high school quarterback's
Mustang and ends up in a tournament at Laser Tag World. Jared gives chase, desperate
to nab the problematic poet and herd him back to 1582. Until, that is, the orb is
stolen. Now Jared has a new mission: to hunt down the thief. Or else, Shakespeare
will be in line for a green card. And Athena's history.

Comments: I appreciate the author's attempts to better characterize his protagonists
in the first paragraph, but this kind of telling isn't usually effective in a hook.
It comes off as a laundry list of qualities that slow us down from getting to the
real story. The challenge here is to convey/show this characterization but not weigh
down the hook with description. I think the second paragraph might also be condensed/tightened,
but the premise is intriguing enough that I don't see much danger in outlining some
of these entertaining twists.



–



ORIGINAL

Currents of Freedom is a 95,000 word romance/suspense novel.




After Melinda Smithfield drops her husband, Mark, off at the L.A. airport, she makes
a circuitous trip to Ventura Harbor where her new life awaits.  Plagued by nervous
nausea for weeks, her handsome but horrid husband gloated at the thought that she
was pregnant.  If he'd had any clue she wasn't going to have his baby and wouldn't
be home when he returned from London, he would have never left town.



Pride can be such an ugly animal. It would have been so much simpler if he had agreed
to a divorce. She decided his vicious hands would never touch her again and had no
choice but to begin a new life far away from California and, unfortunately, her younger
sister. Taking her chances on a seedy broker, she found a deal on a sailboat and headed
out to sea. And the adventure begins.  When Mark discovers his wife is gone,
the media unwittingly begins a campaign to help him post a $100,000 reward to bring
her back.  




Seeking refuge in the beautiful islands of the Pacific Northwest, Melinda finds unexpected
sources of friendship and love. After months of happiness, her peace and serenity
are shattered when Mark kidnaps her from Little Fox Island. In the fight for her life,
Melinda must find a way to escape her husband again to save the new life she has built
with the handsome English teacher, Noah. She doesn't dare believe Mark when he tells
her Noah called for the reward money. But, who told him where she was hiding? 

REVISED

Currents of Freedom is a 95,000-word romantic suspense novel.




After Melinda Smithfield drops her husband, Mark, at the L.A. airport, she makes
a circuitous trip to heads for Ventura Harbor where her new life awaits. Plagued
by nervous nausea for weeks, Her handsome but horrid husband had gloated
at the thought that she was pregnant, but if he'd had any clue she wasn't
going to have his baby and wouldn't be home when he returned from London,
he would have never left town.



Pride can be such an ugly animal. It would have been so much simpler if he
had agreed to a divorce. She decided his vicious hands would never touch her again
and had no choice but to begin a new life far away from California and, unfortunately,
her younger sister. Taking her chances on a seedy broker, she found a deal on a sailboat
and headed out to sea. And the adventure begins. 




When Mark discovers his wife gone, the media unwittingly begins a campaign to help
him post a $100,000 reward to bring her back. Seeking refuge in the beautiful
islands of the Pacific Northwest, Melinda finds unexpected sources of friendship and
love. After months of happy refuge in the Pacific Northwest, Melinda's peace
and serenity are shattered when Mark kidnaps her from Little Fox Island. In the fight
for her life, Melinda must find a way to escape her husband to save the new life she
has built with handsome English teacher Noah. She doesn't dare believe Mark when he
tells her Noah called for the reward money. But then, who told Mark where she was
hiding? 

Comments: The second paragraph of this hook conveys a level of detail that's unnecessary
to understanding the story problem. The last line offers the most intrigue (and the
best twist), in that we have a story where the protagonist doesn't know who she can
trust.



–



ORIGINAL

Sentimental Journey is a 95,000-word women's fiction.




Main character Meredith Fields is dealing with guilt over placing her mother, who
has advanced Alzheimer's, in a nursing home, and resentment about having to clear
out her mother's house by herself. Her husband, Keith, tells her he's fallen in love
with his young assistant, Caitlin, and wants a divorce.




Her daughter Betz blames her for her father's infidelity, and her son Michael acts
like he couldn't care less. Her agent is on her case to give him something on her
new book, the one she hasn't conceived yet, although he doesn't know this. As she
explores her mother's shadowy past, intending to use it as the basis of her new book,
Meredith recognizes much of her mother in herself. She begins to understand why her
mother related so poorly to her children, and is shaken by parallels in her own relationships
with Betz and Michael. She sets out to reconnect with her children and hopefully break
the intergenerational chain of destructive and emotionally scarring behaviors.




Sentimental Journey includes the beginning of a novel within the novel, currently
titled Hope's Illusion, which is part of the story line, and which I intend to expand
and complete as a separate novel.

REVISED

Sentimental Journey is a 95,000-word women's fiction.




Main character Meredith Fields is dealing with guilt over placing
her mother, who has advanced Alzheimer's, in a nursing home, and resentment
about having to clear out her mother's house by herself. while her husband,
Keith, has fallen in love with his young assistant and wants a divorce.




Her daughter Betz blames her for her father's infidelity, and her son Michael
acts like he couldn't care less. Her agent is on her case to give him something on
her new book, the one she hasn't conceived yet, although he doesn't know this. As
she explores her mother's shadowy past, intending to use it as the basis of
her new book, Meredith recognizes much of her mother in herself. She begins
to understand why her mother related so poorly to her children, and is shaken by parallels
in her own relationships with her son and daughter. She sets out to reconnect with
her children and break the chain of destructive behavior.





Sentimental Journey includes the beginning of a novel within the novel, currently
titled Hope's Illusion, which is part of the story line, and which I intend
to expand and complete as a separate novel.

Comments: The series of problems outlined in the second paragraph
feel like subplots or secondary complications, and as such, don't belong in this hook.
It might be helpful to be more specific and compelling about what this mother's shadowy
past is, since that appears to be the key problem/challenge for the protagonist, aside
from rebuilding relationships with the children. If the relationship-building with
the children is in fact the primary challenge of the novel, there is the danger of
insufficient forward momentum or lack of high stakes. How will success be determined
for this character? How will we know whether or not she gets what she wants?



I've also taken out reference to the protagonist writing a novel, and the novel-in-a-novel.
While this may very well be something that sets this work apart from all others, most
agents/editors aren't excited by stories about novelists. This kind of plot line might
feel too ordinary, or otherwise raise a red flag about the originality of the story
line.



Next up: More hook critiques!

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