What is Penn Badgley Doing Right Now: A Theory

On Monday night, Penn Badgley attended the premiere of Girls at The Museum of Natural History. Badgley was presumably there as a friend of Jemima Kirke — a conclusion which my deductive reasoning led me to believe after observing the pair exchange exactly three blinks. Their platonic zone was likely established that time Penn Badgley ate falafel with Kirke’s sister Domino while wearing denim knee shorts. It was nice to see him there.

It was also strange. He paced around his seat indolently prior to the screening, which I know because I was staring. Staring and wondering. Wondering what he was wondering.

I wrote down a dozen possibilities.

Here are some:

Should I have held out?

How does my chin look?

My hair is hot.

I’m in a band?

When’s the last time I updated my Wikipedia page?

Blake Lively

Also in attendance were such pillars of 90s youth-culture as Natasha Lyonne who, surprise!, appears in episode 1, and such Chuck Norris adversaries as one Mr. Jon Hamm who (spoiler alert!) did not appear in episode 1. Seated within the first two rows of the iMax theater was one man in a light gray suit and red folded beanie, who Mattie astutely characterized as being “dressed for the job he wants.”

Mr. Badgley, sporting a curly combover for which one could have mistaken him as Kate from Jon & Kate Plus 8 on a day her hair iron was not working, appeared dressed for the life he has. Indeed, in military green cotton slacks, a navy blue henley and a brown puffer coat, his look exuded a pointed sense of mute. Which, of course, prompted a sincere case of curiosity concerning what the almost-devastatingly attractive bygone John Tucker Must Die supporting actor is doing.

Google will tell you that he’s clearly been putting his acting skill to use in the short film Periods wherein he and some other fun actors “explain the universe in a nutshell.”

“There’s your proof right there,” you may say, but how wrong you are. This “trailer” is merely a beard for Penn’s true whereabouts — which has been right under our noses this entire time.

The final episode of Gossip Girl aired on December 17, 2012, roughly the same time multiple faceless Twitter accounts including @tbhjuststop and @antijokeapple were popping up. This seemed odd. After a bit more digging, it’s been uncovered that Badgley was filming and then promoting Easy A around the same time several additional Twitter accounts of the same nature came into existence. (Like @50shadesofawkward, for example.)

It was so obvious: the much younger extras in Easy A tipped off Badgley to which he realized that he could reach people and entertain them while remaining anonymous.

Sounds kind of familiar, right? As in, Gossip Girl. Dan turned out to be the secret gossip blogger, and here we have Penn turning out to be a secret tweeter. Ah, how art imitates life!

“But that’s impossible,” you might cry. “How could one man manage multiple accounts that spew hilarious tweets all day long?”

Simple, though. He flips them. Penn Badgley is a certifiable Twitter-flipper, creating and building accounts until they have solid enough followings. Then he sells them to the new, younger generation of Gossip Girl fans who watch the show in bulk via Netflix. This is why so many of those accounts say things like, “I have a lot of homework tonight.”

As for why he was at Girls? Hello. He does their social media too.

– Journalistic investigation by Leandra Sherlock Medine and Amelia Nancy Drew Diamond

Images via Instagram, Zimbio, Just Jared, Gotham Magazine, Startraks Photo, The Daily Mail UK & Getty Images.