The only New Year’s resolutions you should be making this January

Ooh, would you look at that – it’s the first week of January and you’ve already broken your resolutions to stop smoking, to go to the gym nine times a week and to stop eating cake. Now you feel a bit coughy (from all those roll-ups), lazy (because walking past the gym doesn’t count as going) and full (from all that delicious ginger cake). But, worst of all, you feel massively guilty about everything. God, you’re such a monumental FAILURE. 2015 is pretty much ruined, right?

WRONG.

You’re not a f...