LiLo Loyalty

The golden retriever who waits at a closed door through the course of his owner’s entire work day (taking the odd break to nap, use the restroom, eat, lick a tile, etc.) does so out of a loyalty ingrained into his species. He is man’s best friend because of bacon-bribes and genetics.

The fan who waits at a door that is closed with an unforeseeable reopening, however — no Pavlovian conditioning, no intrinsic trigger that soothes the anxious subconscious by saying, “She’ll return, she always does” – that is true loyalty. That is dedication. It’s not even hope, because hope connotes a lingering sense of doubt.

This fan never had to hope. This fan knew Lindsay Lohan would be back.

One of my earliest pieces for Man Repeller documented Oprah Winfrey’s 2013 interview with a post-rehab Lohan. Her show, aptly and elegantly titled Lindsay, was due to air. The world was waiting for a crash, but I stood by, acknowledging my possible naiveté: “Maybe I see Lindsay Lohan’s life as a TV show-with-a-moral,” I wrote, my bow and arrow pointed straight for the Pulitzer, “featuring Oprah as her Danny Tanner.”

The short-lived series was unwatchable. My roommate dutifully recorded each week in hopes that I’d find the strength within myself that he knew I harbored, but 20 minutes max were all my heart could handle. It wasn’t because the naysayers were “winning” — all those who laughed at her fall from grace, her moments of personal defeat, of frustration and panic, not to mention the aggravation she caused to Oprah and the show’s production team — it was because much the same way a parent protects a child from mall-Santa when he’s underweight and without a beard, I couldn’t watch Lindsay when she wasn’t yet herself.

But she pulled through.

In 2014 Lindsay Lohan covered the September issue of Wonderland, reunited with the Mean Girls cast, appeared on Ellen where she was just as charming (if not more) than DeGeneres’ usual crew of below-the-knee sweethearts with piano skills and exceptional presidential recall. She started a blog (or I started reading it), did a Top Shelf on ITG — the most stressful form of press considering your toothpaste will be judged, AND she launched a clothing line in partnership with Civil at PacSun.

But it wasn’t this list of achievements that finalized her triumphant return. Rather, it was her hair. Hair projects health — that one is being cared for, or caring for oneself. I don’t know if this is scientific, but consider the dull coats of malnourished animals. Lohan’s shining orange mane, no longer stripped of color by peroxide and chemicals, was a literal manifestation of Lohan returning to her roots. She looks fresh, happy — a little bit older, like she’d been through some stuff, but was now much closer to the freckle-faced girl of our fond, collective memory.

So, that settles it. She’s back. But then again, she was always coming back.