Why “Fetch” Happens

Our generation has mastered the art of verbal minimalism. Growing up in the age of AOL Instant Messenger with a cost-per-character limit on both ancient texting plans and modern Twitter has forced us to be economical about our words. Airlines have taught us well: passengers with extra luggage will be charged.

We’re frugal with our daily itineraries as well. Nobody has time for bronchitis brought on by long sidewalk chats in the cold, nor do we have the outdoor cat capabilities to withstand laborious “catch ups” in the summer’s heat. We have places to be and we’re always late; we are white rabbits on deadline whose Ubers keep canceling last minute.

In order to make the most of our brief interactions, we’ve no choice but to pack hyperbolic punches into the smallest cabin space possible. “LOL” no longer cuts it. Our ears want lingual Sriracha. It’s why the new “fetch,” to the dismay of one Regina George, continually happens.

The earliest remedy came via Gwen Stefani and Rachel Zoe — both popularized “bananas,” though we credit Zoe for “everything.” In addition are the words “this,” “because,” and “I mean.” They took on existential lives of their own, using the voice of Gen-Y as their vessels, and in turn prompted philosophical wonderment.

For example:

[*Best pronounced in Chandler Bing’s upward inflection*]

– What is everything?

– If “this shit” is actually “bananas,” then what do we call original bananas? I picture piles of the tropical yellow fruit sitting around post-“Holler Back Girl,” lamenting over their pop-driven identity crisis. See earlier reference to existentialism and then imagine ex-bananas everywhere crying out to their local farmers, “WHO EVEN AM I?”

– If you say “I mean” but don’t tell me what you mean, then how do I know what you mean? I do not.

– Is our meme-y use of the word “because” a byproduct of our parents’ manipulative, dogmatic, “Because I said so”?

– When you say “This.”, is the only appropriate response, “That.”?

– Does anyone even know how to punctuate sentences involving such confusing declaratives? The comma above just had an identity crisis of his own. (Suck it up and join the bananas!)

As with all great questions that philosophers have been asking across the ages — “What is the meaning of life?” “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?” — the world may never know. But muscle weighs more than fat, and so too do the unanswered questions behind such words. It’s why we tether them to iconic images like Joan Didion in Céline’s spring campaign (or a photo of Kate Moss with Naomi Campbell) and feel satisfied with our brevity.

In the spirit of the new year, however, it’s high time we relinquish the because-es and the this-es and the bananas and I means, allowing them to return to their rightful places in our vocabularies and produce sections. To replace the gaps should a new viral moment occur — and it probably will — in the next ten seconds, I propose the following New Fetches:

– Although.

– Sometimes.

– Whenever.

– Wherever.

– Ant farms!

– Lark.

– Rhyme.

Add your own, but let us never again forget that actually, everything is everything.