The Texting Ghosts of Exes Past

Nothing says happy holidays quite like the shrill “ping” of a person you haven’t thought about in years who is suddenly thinking about you, but nostalgia is a shameless texter –primarily around the holidays. The Texting Ghost of Ex-mas Past.

There’s something about sparkling lights and cold weather, tartan blankets and the promise of (or at least songs about) snow, not to mention warmed whiskey and spiked cider that makes everyone a little bit more romantic than usual. Combine that with the boredom of being home plus the sentimentality of sleeping in childhood bedrooms and suddenly everyone begins scrolling through the Instagram feeds of ex relationships and hookups with the kind of tenderness that hasn’t been accessed since their respective honeymoon stages.

Perhaps the first apparition appeared to you around Thanksgiving. The text likely said, “Happy Thanksgiving.” (Creativity never was his strong suit.) Your reaction could have been one of three things:

1) He sent this to everyone.

2) He’s attempting to secure a cold-weather hook up. Ass.

3) Weird. But how nice!

If option number three occurred, you likely shot a text back: “Same to you!” or, “Hi to your fam!” Then you put your phone away and carried on with your life, a.k.a. commandeering the crunchy bits of stuffing.

Except, depending on your personal history, it’s likely that you received more than just one “Remember me?” on this day.

Round Two of the holiday spooks probably started right after day five of the televised advent calendar. Exes around the world who enjoy basic cable programming were suddenly flooded with a bevy of Christmas (and non-denominational, though equally festive) movies of which you probably watched at least one together. Classics like Home Alone and Elf have been known to trigger emotions that haven’t been unlocked since first kisses, especially when six-packs of eggnog-flavored Natty Light are involved.

“Remember that time we went ice skating in Central Park?” Uh, yes I do. That was last month before we broke up — haven’t completely lost my memory yet, thanks.

“Just walked by that place we used to get hot chocolate at together, made me think of u.” …Starbucks?

And you can always tell it’s getting closer to the actual date of Christmas when you receive this one: “Hey stranger.” Oh boy.

By the time the night of the 24th arrives and you’re either eating Chinese food or putting a star on top of the tree, your phone becomes a handheld Tim Burton graveyard replete with ghosts in bad suits and giant, bobbling heads; each unopened text a howling reminder of relationships you thought you’d buried in the past.

Those who believe in ghosts say that spirits who haunt are merely looking for closure (which is confusing, seeing as these phantoms in particular seem to be opening up cans of have-you-lost-your-damn-mind worms). The best solution is to keep your response polite, kind and short. Avoid getting sappy, absolutely no “I miss you.” Then put your phone away, and stare at your dog. Stay away from old pictures and for heaven’s sake, don’t go on Facebook. It will be New Years before you know it and you’ll be kissing a stranger…the Ghost of Christmas Future. Bah humbug.