Untitled.

In the genuine spirit of wanting to say goodbye

In wanting to say I’m sorry and I forgive you

I had a lot of dreams mixed up in the meaning of love

And a lot of projections mixed up in loving you

When I loved you

I was young and had hoped you would love me

I didn’t know what that meant but knew I wanted it from you

I didn’t want to ask you for it, because I wasn’t sure if I deserved it

Maybe I didn’t think I deserved it in general, but I wasn’t sure

If I deserved your love

I would have been more honest with myself, more honest with you

I would have been more willing to listen and relate to you

Which I wasn’t ever convinced was possible.

You once asked me about truth a couple years ago in a dive bar

I remember these things because I poured meaning into our moments

I notice this now after having watched others do the same thing to me

I was aware of the concept of truth, I thought it was funny you were

Searching for truth

Your engagement often felt like tests to me,

Life in general felt very black and white at the time

I was afraid to be wrong in your eyes

What I had meant to say years ago was “inherently there is truth in all of us.”

Truth within the present moment

And overtime we lose our truths, either to our egos or intellect

False memories, attachments to the past or excitement for the future

I don’t know why honest engagements with you were so hard

All I wanted was for the energy to work in our favor

The resistance was fun at first, provocative, frustrating, ultimately too exhausting

I think the only time I could surrender to you was drunk, with my head in your lap, speeding up the FDR.