Why I Have Guy Friends

It was my closest guy friend who encouraged me to speak at Biola’s 2012 Torrey Conference. Biola University had invited both of us. I had wanted him to speak. But Dale Fincher thought this was my hour.

So I left my two-year-old son, flew out for a little over 24 hours of speaking in Anaheim, California and gave the address that knocked me back on my heels with the response, the address that continues to land me in trouble, the address that the Biola student body responded to by packing out their auditorium and keeping me signing books with a two-hour line. I will never forget that night.

Few people know that I almost didn’t make that speaking engagement, that Dale insisted that I speak instead of him. Dale, once again, stepped into the shadows so I could have the spotlight.

He’s been doing that for over 13 years.

From the first days when Dale and I were just noticing one another (at the time he was dating someone else) I knew that here was a man who insisted I bring all of myself to the table. I couldn’t hold myself back to impress him, he wanted all of me.  When we painted his room together (as friends), I could tell that all my cleverness was matched in his own.  Even at my best, I could not intimidate him. And dang, that was attractive: to know the man across the table wanted me at my best self.

Well, it simply made me want to be with him all the time. I knew that I would always regret letting him go.

Dale and I married in 2002, barely a year after my broken engagement. That story has been told already (also at a Biola chapel) in “God Wants the Broken.” The first few years we faced his mother’s death, his grandfather’s death, three new jobs and two major moves. These were our first years of marriage. We started Soulation, we moved to Colorado. It took us almost a decade to have our son. And I look back and realize that our marriage has been a lot more fun because even after those changes, we still like being together.

We are still friends.

When I talk about my ‘guy friends’ Dale often teases me that he never counts as one of the “guy friends” in my life. The husband a friend is either assumed or ignored.

Dale is my closest confidante, my first confessor when I started to spiral into lust, the person I went to first when I lost our first baby, the person I cried with first when I realized I was pregnant again. Dale has also been the first to read my manuscripts, to edit my talks, to suggest another way to approach a tricky question during a Q&A session. He’s the man I go shopping with, the man I want to get advice from, my first choice for an evening on the town, and the best dancing partner. He’s the quickest to take my words to heart, the most willing to try again and give me a “do over.” And he’s also the best at exasperating me while teasing me about my exasperation.

More than anyone else, Dale has cultivated my expectations for the other men I choose to be my guy friends.

Christopher Robin, A. A. Milne’s immortal childhood hero, once said, “Friends help you to be more of who you are.”  That is my test for the men I befriend.

My guy friends grow along with me, they ask questions that make me notice more than I can on my own.  Last month over lunch, J asked me, “Do you feel exhausted by everything you’ve done this morning?” A question that was so simple and true that it stopped me in my tracks because I realized that he expected an honest answer.

Good friends, of the same and opposite sex do not want entertainment or captivation. Good friends will be available when you call. Good friends will think of you even when you’re out of sight and out of mind. Good friends will want to be present when you’re in trouble, sick, sad, and even depressed. Good friends want you for more than the zing and zip of good times.

Friends help you to be more of who you are, whether you’re married to your best friend or not, my guy friends have made me more Jonalyn. But do they have to be GUYS? you might be asking. Yes! That can make a major difference in how we grow. Not convinced? Watch this.

If reading in email, watch here.

I want to suggest that friendship may be the primary tool God uses to make us more ourselves.  And cross-sex friendships are part of that journey. Opposite sex friendship can bloom in a family among siblings (Paul’s inspiration for calling us “brothers and sister” in the church), it can happen between husband and wife, or between co-workers.

Getting Controversial

And to put your feet to the fire, I do not believe you can claim to truly believe in equality between men and women in the world or church or home and fail to work toward opposite sex friends.  I would challenge a person (be they egalitarian or complementarian) to prove their belief in equality of men and women by befriending someone of the opposite sex. I would doubt that a marriage really is strong and growing if it fails to acknowledge and live into the purpose of male/female friendships. For how can we claim to treat others as brothers and sisters if we cannot even befriend someone we actually enjoy who happens to be the opposite sex?

In fact, I have noted that our American Christian tendency to avoid and hold in suspicion cross-sex friendships is almost always a sign of weakness, our own, our Freudian obsessed culture, and our fear that any desire or attraction is immediate suspect. As Biola student, Conrad Frommelt writes in his recent Chimes article Friendship, Not Sex, “Much of our hesitancy to create opposite gender friendships stems from a fearful view of our ability to control our sexuality.” We are capable of more interesting interactions than just procreation with the opposite sex.

To prove my point, here are several more clips from my conversation with Biola communications professor, Dr. Tim Muehlhoff. Watch whichever sound interesting to you. Comment at will below.

In this 8 minute video, Dr. Muehlhoff says what I call weakness is actually good discernment. I maintain that this discernment is a result of perceived or real weakness in the couple, either the strength of their bond, or their own willingness to grow.  I have seen so many Christians (supposedly mature and strong) assume suspicion in any spouse who wants a friend outside of their marriage. I have yet to hear a reason to avoid having a cross- sex friend that sounds like health.

If reading in email, watch here.

What I have found is that the richer, the more trusting a marriage, the more willing both spouses are to allow their mate to cultivate external opposite sex friendships.  And here is where I directly challenge Tim to consider more freedom for his wife and himself in his own life.

If reading in email, watch here.

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To answer those who want to know “Why do you need one-on-one time with a guy if you’re so happy in your marriage?” a 3 minute clip where Tim asks me this very question.

For those reading in email, watch here.

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And a final 4 minute clip where I explain the permission to enjoy touch between men and women. Yes, I really do mean “enjoy.”

If reading in email, watch here.

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To hear more of how Tim and I agree and disagree (including how much we should challenge the church in this area) you can listen to our entire interview at iTunes (maybe while you’re cooking up Thanksgiving dinner!). To follow Tim on Twitter, @DRMuehlhoff. Check out Tim’s newest book I Beg to Differ: Navigating Difficult conversation with Truth and Love.

As a bonus, a mini-interview on why Tim wrote his most recent book.