Three Books to Read While You’re in a Food Coma

Have you ever been so full from artisanal popcorn or high on a peanut butter cup masqueraded as a smoothie, that you couldn’t move a cat out of the line of fire if its life — and it does — depended on it?

Amelia might say you’ve been Cheese-Caked.

I say you’ve just finished the Thanksgiving meal.

It’s been three hours since you last looked up from your plate. Grandma’s hit the apple cider hard, and she’s doing that thing where she refuses to believe that Regis Philbin has left LIVE! But you’re too tired to correct her, or do much of anything else for that matter. All you want is to constrict yourself to a corner of the couch and doze off. It’s not even 7PM yet. You’re bumping through a premature hangover.

It’s okay. Here are three books that might help get you over the hump.

Texts from Jane Eyre

By: Mallory Ortberg

Ortberg is the co-creator of The Toast. The site has garnered a cult following due to its witty feminist commentary and the widely popular feature, Texts From, includes hilarious hypothetical texting conversations with famous literary and political figures.

Ever wondered how Edgar Allen Poe might fare on iMessage?

Here’s an excerpt from The Toast:

hey i’m going to be late to Kim’s thing

can’t really leave the house right now

save a seat for me though okay

is that bird still there?

no

lol what bird?

oh

yes

but that’s not the point

the bird’s fine, whatever

it’s the bells

the bells?

yeah

the bells, bells, bells, bells,

bells, bells, bells-

what bells?

from the jingling and the tinkling of the bells

what bells are in your house?

oh man what kind of bells AREN’T here

mellow wedding bells

golden bells

loud alarum bells

bronze bells

terror bells

terror bells?

all kinds of bells

the anger of the bells

the horror of the bells 

the iron bells

sobbing bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, 

bells, bells, bells, bells

okay

okay I’ll save you a seat

yeah definitely save me a seat though 

i’m for sure going to make it 

i just have to sit through the bells first

right

Texts from Jane Eyre And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters, published on November 4th, is an expansion on the feature. The book includes smartly imagined “convos” with Teddy Roosevelt, Scarlett O’Hara and of course, the eponymous Jane Eyre.

To quote Elizabeth Gilbert, “I ate it like it was candy coated in crack cocaine.”

Yes Please

By: Amy Poehler

Amy Poehler has pulled me through some of the more traumatic experiences of life. In 2008, my counselor took my fellow campers and I to see Baby Mama after our bunk had suddenly burned down in a fire. Poehler’s Hillary Clinton impersonation on SNL settled who I’d vote for if the election ever came around and I swear, nothing subverts a menstrual mood swing like an episode of Parks and Recreation.

I know her new memoir will get you through this. Poehler delivers accounts of her improv days at Second City and SNL with her signature honesty and self-deprecating sense of humor. It’s everything you wish your mother taught you and maybe (sorry, mom) more.

Crazy Rich Asians

By: Kevin Kwan

An “oldie” but a goodie, Kevin Kwan’s fictional commentary on the lavish lifestyles of Asia’s upper class is (disclaimer) nearly impossible to put down. The novel is part Montague and Capulet love story, part rippling social satire. Clever and enthralling all the way through, the book will promptly aid your forgetting that the pecan pie you gorged on moments ago is about twenty minutes from exploding out of your ass.

Feature image on the left via I-D, image on the right via Elle Italia