6 Jokes to Fill the Awkward Thanksgiving Silence

You love your family. You love them and are so excited to see them. You can’t wait to hug your grandma and source sweaters from your grandpa, to hang out with your cousins and play with the older one’s babies even though you can’t remember if their existence makes you a great aunt or second-something, once removed.

Inevitably, though, you’re going to hit that wall of familial-overload. It might come right after the first round of Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone’s had way too much to eat, and you’re all sort of reclining in your chairs when uncle Bill — hopped up on all the marshmallows he secretly popped when the kitchen was left unmanned —  goes ahead and asks one of the very questions you’ve been dodging:

1) “Are you seeing anyone?”

2) [Applicable only once you are seeing someone and he or she is seated next to you] “When are you two gonna get hitched?”

3) “When are you going to get a job?”

4) [Regardless of whether you have a job or not] “So, what are you doing with your life?”

There is only one way to answer this genus of question and that is to deflect. I learned this by watching my older cousin, who would turn the tables and ask, in the general direction of all the men in our family, “Who’s gotten their colonoscopy this year?”

You can try that. Or, you can memorize a few of these gems and keep them in your back pocket to recite any time you find yourself at the receiving end of an unwelcome query.

Halfway through a first date, go to the restroom and shave off an eyebrow to see if they're paying attention.

— Jason Lastname (@JasonLastname)

I've got 99 pilgrims and I'm thankful for each one. So blessed.

— Jason Lastname (@JasonLastname)

"Sir you have an outstanding balance"
Thank you so much

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 10, 2014

Probably my favorite hotel named after an Oscar category is Best Western.

— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) November 14, 2014

I wish the statue of liberty had had a good friend that could've talked her out of bangs.

— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) November 12, 2014

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he's probably on that thing like
"MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING"

— Sad Turkey (@sad_tree) August 18, 2014

Who cares if they in no way pertain to the questions asked? That’s the point. Deflect, distract, then make a beeline for the couch. (Pecan pie?)

A special thanks to Man Repeller reader CJKeys for her @JasonLastname recommendation. We’re always looking for tweets-that-disctract, so if you have some, let us know in the comments.