Parties (Working Title)

Unbeknownst to those whose radars only

Register high fliers

I was at that party. It was fine, as parties go

But for me, the wide open world

Of high voice, loud energy

Has me crammed into corners I never asked for

A stain on a torn blanket set ablaze by extrovert energy.

I can’t connect if I can’t

Hear

See

Understand

Relate

So the shell I shell out to parties

Is my body, but not my full mind

Body critically conscious of how it is

Missing it’s biggest asset

The part that can make it pass for attractive

While the mind is confined by

Barriers, thinking it’s been left behind

Because it has nothing of worth

To contribute to anyone

And no one notices its efforts anyway

The way I write online is the antithesis of my anonymity.

It is the way I wish my vocal cords could vibrate at parties.

While chat rooms are dive bars and

Forums are convention centres filled with competitors

My blog is my personal table for two where I do all the talking.

I don’t even know that anyone is listening

But the unshared pieces of myself I don’t bring to parties

(For fear someone will take a bite and unceremoniously -

Or worse, exuberantly -

Spit me out)

Those pieces have to go somewhere

Or they’ll go to waste.

Writing is a desperate attempt to show

Who no one really sees,

Fill in the shadows that few

Recognize as my features,

Give substance to that social shell

So people have something to miss

If I’m not around.

The way I’m viewed at parties

Is Dorothy pre-Oz

A sketch in black and white

With none of the colourful details

Ready for discussion.

But I can’t connect if I can’t

Hear

See

Understand

Relate

So my online words feel like whispers

Barely leaving my lips

I don’t know l they’ve had an effect

Until someone whispers back.

I cannot connect by simply yelling

THIS IS ME over and over and over again -

Connection is formed when someone

Hears my pleas, and decides to answer

Directly. Until then, I wade through the

Chatter in my mind of

Oh my God, why would anyone want to read what I wrote?

Waiting to hear,

I read your words. Can we talk?