Who's on first?

Here we are almost a year into the new health care era. While I’m all for anything that can combine affordability and care, I have to admit that sometimes it gets a little confusing trying to plow through the plethora of plans. Take last Monday for example.
Me: Who is the insurance company for this first patient?Secretary Kim: Who.Me: The first patient’s insurance.K: Who.M: The guy’s insurance plan.K: Who.M: What are you asking me for? I’m asking you.K: And I’m telling you. Who.M: What’s their name?K: No, what’s the name of the insurance company for our second patient.M: I don’t know.K: That’s for our third patient.M: I didn’t ask about the third patient; I’m still trying to find out about the first one.K: Who.M: What’s their name.K: No, what’s the name for the second patient.M: I don’t know.K: I told you, that’s the third patient’s plan.
Me (Trying very hard to remain calm): OK, let’s work through this logically. We see this first patient. He seems like a nice man. He has an infection. We treat him and he leaves happy. Now at the end of the day, we send the bill to who?K: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right yet.Me (nearly choking on my coffee): I don’t even know what I said! (Regaining composure): We send it to who?K: Of course. We wouldn’t be in business very long if we didn’t.M: To who?K: Why wouldn’t we? He’s paid his premiums.M: But what’s their name?K: No. What’s the name for our second patient.M: I don’t know.Both of us at the same time: THIRD PATIENT.
Realizing I was getting nowhere fast, I tried to change the subject: Have you sent in the application for us to be on the new Medicaid plan?K: Tomorrow?M: You’re too busy now? We need to do it right away. I’ve already forgotten their name.K: Tomorrow.M: Why not today?K: Today is the new Anthem-based plan. We’re already on their provider list.M: Why did you bring up Anthem?K: Did you say Why? Why is the new Humana-Medicare supplement. We’re not talking about them.M: Why?K: Yes, Why.M (Not knowing what else to say): Just because?K: Oh, no. Because is the St. Francis plan. We can’t participate in that one. The hospital is out of network.Me (trying to salvage what was left of my sanity): Let me see if I’ve got this straight. Our first patient’s bill goes to Who. What is for the second patient. I don’t know—that’s for the third. We have signed up for Today and Tomorrow, and also Why, but not Because, for as everyone knows, it is a St. Francis plan and so we cannot participate. And you know what (throwing my chart down)? I don’t give a damn.My wife, walking into the room: What did you say?Me: I said, ‘I don’t give a damn.’Wife: Oh, that’s the new state insurance plan I signed us up for last week.