First Page Fall Hop
Hey all! I'm participating in Michelle's blog hop critique group (details HERE) where you post the first 250 words to your manuscript and everyone critiques each other.
I am having the worst possible time with my first pages. I have a dream sequence that I'd like to explain, but when I opened with a detailed dream prologue I was told the reader doesn't get to know my MC fast enough. So, on suggestion, I've changed it to the MC talking about the dream and noting how he feels about certain aspects. This way we get to know him a little better and get to the plot faster as well. However, some people think I'm jumping into the MC's subconscious too quickly. This is a new edit of yet another attempt at making the sequence work. What do you guys think?
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Age/Genre: MG Portal Fantasy
Basil cocooned himself under his comforter. His mother, Trinika, sat in his desk chair looking at him with the deepest of concern.
“You had the dream again,” she said, “That makes three months now that you’ve been having it. Did anything change?”
Basil peered out at her. The stained white apron around her slim hips and her messy bun of brown hair meant it was cleaning day, which was always a Saturday.
“It’s always the same dream, Mom. Nothing ever changes.”
“Well, tell me again.”
“The twin boys are walking down a road talking about how one of them is trying to impress some girl with his inventions and how a bunch of their neighbors and their dad disappeared in a graveyard. Then they go and sneak through the same graveyard. So stupid. They climbed a tree and saw the night guard, but it was just Grandpa dressed as one. Then there was the dog… drooling and snarling in the shadows. I couldn’t see it, but I could hear it.”
Basil held his breath. His heart jumped into his throat. This was the worst part of the dream. He didn’t want to remember it. He didn’t want to think about it. But the memory attacked him.
“The dog bursts out from behind a tombstone and it rips into one of the boy’s legs. He gets free and they run into their dad’s mausoleum. Everything gets all quiet and the dog disappears. Then the old, rotted floors start creaking and the whole thing falls out from under them. [...]
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Synopsis of The State of Dreams:
After their parents disappearance, thirteen-year-old Basil Benton and his talkative little sister Katheryn are forced to move in with their eccentric scientist grandfather. While exploring his laboratories one night the children discover a tantalizing archway that leads to a world where Basil's own dreams are physically built and acted out for him each night. But once they're through, they're trapped, and they're not the only ones. Their missing parents have also been spotted in the Dreamworld. Basil will have to conquer his darkest thoughts, navigate his most paralyzing nightmares, and evade a menacing Shadow creature in order to find his parents, keep his sister safe, and get back home.
I am having the worst possible time with my first pages. I have a dream sequence that I'd like to explain, but when I opened with a detailed dream prologue I was told the reader doesn't get to know my MC fast enough. So, on suggestion, I've changed it to the MC talking about the dream and noting how he feels about certain aspects. This way we get to know him a little better and get to the plot faster as well. However, some people think I'm jumping into the MC's subconscious too quickly. This is a new edit of yet another attempt at making the sequence work. What do you guys think?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Age/Genre: MG Portal Fantasy
Basil cocooned himself under his comforter. His mother, Trinika, sat in his desk chair looking at him with the deepest of concern.
“You had the dream again,” she said, “That makes three months now that you’ve been having it. Did anything change?”
Basil peered out at her. The stained white apron around her slim hips and her messy bun of brown hair meant it was cleaning day, which was always a Saturday.
“It’s always the same dream, Mom. Nothing ever changes.”
“Well, tell me again.”
“The twin boys are walking down a road talking about how one of them is trying to impress some girl with his inventions and how a bunch of their neighbors and their dad disappeared in a graveyard. Then they go and sneak through the same graveyard. So stupid. They climbed a tree and saw the night guard, but it was just Grandpa dressed as one. Then there was the dog… drooling and snarling in the shadows. I couldn’t see it, but I could hear it.”
Basil held his breath. His heart jumped into his throat. This was the worst part of the dream. He didn’t want to remember it. He didn’t want to think about it. But the memory attacked him.
“The dog bursts out from behind a tombstone and it rips into one of the boy’s legs. He gets free and they run into their dad’s mausoleum. Everything gets all quiet and the dog disappears. Then the old, rotted floors start creaking and the whole thing falls out from under them. [...]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Synopsis of The State of Dreams:
After their parents disappearance, thirteen-year-old Basil Benton and his talkative little sister Katheryn are forced to move in with their eccentric scientist grandfather. While exploring his laboratories one night the children discover a tantalizing archway that leads to a world where Basil's own dreams are physically built and acted out for him each night. But once they're through, they're trapped, and they're not the only ones. Their missing parents have also been spotted in the Dreamworld. Basil will have to conquer his darkest thoughts, navigate his most paralyzing nightmares, and evade a menacing Shadow creature in order to find his parents, keep his sister safe, and get back home.
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