You Did This to Yourself

Feeling a bit of a masochist as of about nine hours ago when I last ate simple carbs. Thanks to the high societal pressure to not be at my absolute fattest for wedding pictures in March, I’ve taken on the challenge of Personal Trainer Food. It’s a 28-day weight-loss/mass-murder regimen wherein you are supposed to only eat meat, veggies, eggs, and an occasional string cheese for 28 days while you go around killing everyone (implied). I haven’t eaten a loaf of French bread in about 3 years because of the gluten, and now all of a sudden #frenchbreadNOW is a trending topic in my brain.

The program is actually extremely harebrained, as it requires having enough freezer space for 56+ meals (1 meal = meat+veggie). The only people in the world with freezers that big already have said freezers filled with either an entire dead elk or an entire dead spouse, so even then the plan isn’t feasible. Here’s a picture of what my freezer looks like right now:

My camera has seriously never taken a worse quality photo. Maybe it’s carb detoxing, too.

That’s not even all of it. The overflow is in the fridge. Nothing like seeing a month’s worth of lunch and dinner to make me aware of how much food I actually consume and no wonder I’m getting the sedentary man’s donut around my middle.

A silver lining of this diet is that intense exercise is actually discouraged, because it messes up your blood sugar. How did they know I gorge on chocolates whenever I’m on the elliptical? But seriously, intense exercise plus sugar withdrawals can only end in uncontrollable weeping. So I’ll probably stick to taking Penny for walks.

Meanwhile, my apartment complex has picked the worst possible time to start with their guilt trips. The folks at the office seem to be getting a little paranoid as of late about crime. First, there was this in the gym:

Someone called BS on the complex… and won.

Now how will I watch The Biggest Loser while I work out?

Then someone broke into the mailboxes outside the gate, and everyone received a letter on their door saying their mail would be at the local post office (then we got an email saying it was only meant to refer to a few apartments whose mailboxes were broken into, not the entire 1000-person complex, but thanks for the panic anyway).

Next was the horror that is halloween, followed by another spoooooky warning about theft:

“Don’t be afraid! While goblins are about remember to lock your doors and check your windows!

We don’t want you to be in the dark, please report any lights you see out and let us know if we can replace a torn screen or stiff lock. We want to do everything we can to make sure this holiday and everyday is full of no tricks and all treats!”

Next we’re bombarded with a series of emails reminding us to do basic adult things, like pay rent, vote (“Texas was admitted as the 28th state in 1845 by just one vote!” Clearly they don’t know the difference between a congressional vote and just some Joe Schmo who happened to stumble into a Randalls on Election Day), and change our clocks back/forward.

Then last night, out of the blue, I get this lovely little guilt trip: “We have cancelled the Crime Awareness Event as no one has come to participate.  Please have a great evening.”

You mean the Crime Awareness Event I wasn’t aware of? Maybe there should have been more of a push for Crime Awareness awareness rather than ordering me around. Also, “Please have a great evening” is probably the most passive-aggressive way of saying, “Go die.” We’re all such unappreciative residents, not attending an event we should have known about, despite the fact that it was listed on none of the calendars we were provided. I wouldn’t be surprised if they started robbing us themselves, just to teach us a lesson about how important Crime Awareness Night would have been. I can see them now, sobbing gently, saying, “You did this to yourself!” as they smash in the window and take my TV.

So I’m drafting them an email right now, thanks to my sugar-withdrawal rage, that is quite simple:

Dear The Preserve,

Please refer to this blog for feedback on your communication skills: http://www.hclaireblogs.wordpress.com. Please have a great evening.