How to Build Your Case Against Someone
I remember my dad suggesting I try out law school after I received my ever-useful degree in English. I scoffed at the idea then, but now I’m starting to realize I might have made a great lawyer. Case in point: I’m a master at building a case against people. Let me teach you.
First you have to encounter someone who rubs you the wrong way. If you’re like me, this won’t be hard. Look for someone who makes loud noises, or maybe a coworker who is terrible at his job and tries to push his work onto you, or even a friend who posts overly political things on Facebook. You already have someone in mind, I bet. I have twenty-seven in mind right off the bat (I’m amazing at mental grudge lists).
Once you’ve decided on your hate target, it’s time to build your case. That can be done with a few easy steps.
1. Articulate. Really spend some time brooding until you can clearly explain to someone why your target is the worst person in the world. What is it exactly? Laziness? Impulse control? Intolerance? You’re really going to want a strong label before you move onto the next step.
Example: The vacant apartment downstairs just got a new tenant. That tenant hired an 18-wheeler to move all the stuff into the apartment. That 18-wheeler made it difficult for me to park. This person clearly thinks they have more of a claim over the parking lot than the rest of us who do not need an 18-wheeler to hold all our possessions. This person is an elitist.
2. Gather evidence. This part is important. Gathering evidence is crucial to being able to explain to someone why this person is whatever way you’ve decided to describe them from step 1. Anecdotes and good, pictures are better.
Example of anecdote: I could barely get past all the giant boxes left outside the new neighbor’s apartment to get to my own apartment. What a bitch.
Example of photographic evidence:
She really thinks she’s something, with her POD taking up an entire parking spot. TOO GOOD FOR A STORAGE UNIT LIKE THE REST OF US?!
Psh. Just leaving her paint cans outside like she can’t be bothered. She didn’t even paint the interior herself! She hired someone else to do it before she moved in!
This bitch, am I right? She’s always leaving her blinds open at night so that everyone can see all the expensive furniture and decor she can afford. GO BACK TO WESTLAKE!
It should be said that if you’re an elitist who thinks communal space is suddenly your space, I get to take pictures as I pass by your window.
3. Check for validation. Once you’ve figured out how to articulate why the target is a horrible person and gathered the evidence to back up your case (did I mention all her boxes were from West End? Why buy from West End just to live in a one-bedroom apartment right by the AC units with a view of the back of garages?) it’s time to check for validation. If you haven’t constructed your case well enough, this is where you’ll know. When checking for validation, simply find someone who might also hate this horrible person, and present the evidence against them, being sure to articulate what kind of person it is. Label, label, label.
If the person to whom you’re making your case seems slightly disgusted or even angry with the target for existing, congratulations! You’ve build a strong case against someone! If the person to whom you’re making your case says anything in defense of the target, sorry, but you’re going to need to go back to step 1 and try again.
