Horoscopes and ‘Staches

Isn’t today great? The sun is shining, Mercury’s back from Club Retro, the stars are doing something positive even though we can’t see them because it’s currently daylight, and Leandra helped you pick out your outfits for the week. It’s also November 3rd, which means that your Horoscopes are — for the first time in a long time — right on schedule. And in honor of Movember, they’ve grown mustaches, too.

Scorpio ‘Stache: Matthew McConaughey’s lip-creeper from Dazed & Confused

Guess what, you baby-tee wearing super senior (HBD btw!!!!!), you’ve got Neptune all up in your sign this month acting like a fairy god mother per the one and only Susan Miller. If you’ve been single and about that mingle, you’ll finally start to have better luck. If you’re currently with someone but it’s been feeling off or stale, you’ll finally find a solution — whether that be pumpkin spicing it up in the bedroom or putting the relationship to bed. You’ve also got Venus on your side which means you’re more charming than usual, and around the 22nd — cash flow baby. Ask for a raise but avoid the L-I-V-I-N speech and thank your lucky stars that even though you technically keep getting older, you somehow stay the same age.

Sagittarius ‘Stache: Ben Stiller’s horseshoe from Dodgeball

You’re going to be spending a lot of money this month, probably because of all the protein powder you’ll need to consume in order to win the next round of corporate mega-gym’s high stakes intramural dodgeball tournament. It could also have something to do with the holidays. Just keep in mind that credit cards act like your friends but they can throw a fast ball at your face with zero remorse, so maybe hide yours around Nov 12th, which is when Mars and the Planet that Sounds like Butts will be on opposing teams. Good news from the Suz, though! “Venus will allow you to twirl your new romantic interests around your little finger if you want – your sense of humor is so enticing, you won’t have to try too hard to get admirers to follow you wherever you go.”

Capricorn ‘Stache: Jared Leto’s as famous 1970s runner Steve Prefontiane

I have never seen this movie so I can’t make a single reference about it even though the above two have been completely arbitrary, but I can tell you that I’m about to start a petition for Jared Leto to reconsider the blonde hair and accompanying mustache. It’s his most underrated look. Like Mr. Leto circa this movie, you are in what Suz calls “a golden phase,” this month, “and with Pluto in Capricorn too, you will be a force to be reckoned.” (Except on November 12, a bad day for everyone when it comes to signing or dealing with property-related documents.) You’ll be so popular this November that the end of it will offer a welcome break from all of the hyper socializing, but take advantage of these next few weeks, and from the 6th-9th keep your eyes open for love. Maybe he will look like Steve Prefontaine.

Aquarius ‘Stache: Tom Selleck’s beautiful nose beard

Yours is a ‘stach like no other, frequently accompanied with a Hawaiin shirt and piles of fainting, swooning mothers in its bristly wake. You currently have Magnum PI Mars in the private sector of your chart, which means this month is a good time to focus on me, meaning you, and think about your plan for the New Year. Unclear as to whether or not Susan means like, your life plan for the new year, or your social plan for actual New Year’s Eve, because there are those people who start buying their tickets now and then stress everyone else out because they don’t have NYE plans yet. You’ve got a full moon on November 6th, which will be great if you’re focusing on home improvement — the activity, not the television show — and career will be flourishing as well.

Pisces ‘Stache: Groucho Marx’s Snickers-bar-sized block of upper-lip hair

Groucho Marx was a Virgo, not a Pisces, but I assigned Friedrich Nietzsche to Libra and just felt that Groucho needed an equally loving home. Susan Miller thinks you should be open to making new friends this month, anyway. There’s a new moon on November 22, which will light your tenth house of honors, awards, and fame on fire (the good kind of fire). You’ll feel the pressure that comes with more responsibility but you can handle it because, girl, your ‘stache game is strong. Something important to note: make sure to really communicate at work this month so that you don’t find yourself backtracking. With Neptune angling the moon the way it is, there’s more likelihood than usual for annoying errors (that could have been avoided) so just overstate your point and keep repeating “November 22″ to yourself while envisioning your December crown.

Aries ‘Stache: John Oates’ man eater 

You’re going to be making your own dreams come true this month, you sassy-stached Aries. You’ve got Mars hanging out with Pluto this month (the Hall to its Oates, essentially), but instead of collaborating on catchy songs of the late ’70s, these two will be helping your career in a major way. A new job or promotion could mean you’re (about to be) a rich girl, putting an end to your money woes that have gone too far (similar to this theme and the direction in which I have taken it). You just gotta wait it out until until December, Susan Miller Swear. It appears as though you’ll be traveling around Thanksgiving but you might be worried about something back home, so make sure you’re not, as Hall & Oates sang, out of touch.

That was my last H&O reference ever again, I half-swear.

Taurus ‘Stache: Salvador Dali’s lip antennae 

“You are closer to happiness than ever before,” writes Susan, “so listen to your instinct, and have faith you know what is best.” We’ve got the full moon in Taurus on November 6th — the only one of the year — so we better melt like a surrealist clock and make the most of it. Susan wants us to travel near “breathtaking mountains” with a romantic partner to help “weave a tapestry of love.” Should I organize a group trip for us or what? She also suggested we take some classes, possibly work toward another degree. If I’ve said it before I’ve said it a million times: Susan Miller may very well be my grandmother. Finally, Susan said our home and family will be the luckiest and happiest areas of our lives right now, which is a good thing because Thanksgiving is coming up — and mama’s hungry.

Gemini ‘Stache: Lionel Richie’s reverse-V glory

Hello, is it me you’re looking for? Or did you want your horoscope? You may not want it when I tell you that Susan is encouraging you to give up a bad habit come November 6th, but she’s probably right. Watch your money this month and focus on your health. Both are going to feel strained, but come December everything will get a bit easier. As for the love lyfe, you could very well get engaged around November 22. I suppose you could also suddenly get married too — the stars are whacky beasts and Susan’s recaps were short so I’m going off the grid– which means steer clear of Vegas just in case, or at least make wise decisions.

Cancer ‘Stache: Kip from Napoleon Dynamite 

The actor who plays Kip is technically one day out of Cancer and into being a Leo, but close enough, because as you begin this month it’s all about love and Lafawnduh. Writes Suz: “you will be looking forward to a social event that will have all the romantic elements you love – superb food, soft lighting, music, fragrant flowers, and a reason to wear your favorite outfit.” Is she speaking your online language or what? However, things get a little sour like llama milk around November 17th. The sun and Saturn are gonna get into it on the 18th, causing you to feel down on yourself and hyper-sensitive to criticism. Susan says just be confident and that this crap feeling will pass, but emo lyrics masked as pop songs may help you get through it too, because when have they ever not?

Leo ‘Stache: Hulk Hogan

Guess what you neon wrestler / favorite halloween costume among dads, Susan writes that this month, your career is on Hot Cheetos fire: “You’ll see this for yourself at the grand full moon, November 6, due to light your tenth house of honors, awards, and achievement. This will be the only full moon in your career house of 2014, and it is likely to bring spectacular news.” You’re gaining the attention of the head honchos and maybe some nachos. Sounds like a promotion to me. Apparently you’re having a terrific day right now (if you’re reading November 3rd), but come November 22nd you’re really going to turn it out with your big hair, lion lair. Suz suggests getting a new outfit, hitting the town and taking advantage of Jupiter being all up in your sign, because now’s your best chance to have the meet-cute of your life.

Libra ‘Stache: Friedrich Nietzsche’s Philosophical Explosion

Sounds like things are a little underwhelming right now despite your fantastic bushy ‘stache, but keep things in perspective because you’ll get through this. You always do. Or at least you’ll find an interesting way to look at it, right Friedrich? Home-related headaches might bum you out (a leak, for example, always with the damn leaks), so Susan suggests taking little weekend vacations. Clear your head. Shout “RICOLA” into that long tube-y thing. Use these getaways as opportunities to do holiday shopping. Buy sweaters from the gift shop, wacky hats from the airport. Be the fun aunt!

Virgo ‘Stache: Zero from the Grand Budapest Hotel

Just like your mustache’s eager-to-please bellboy concocted by the imagination of one Kanye Wes Anderson, you’ll be great at making your guests feel at home this month. Writes Susan: “Virgo knows how to set a stunning table, so become inspired by looking at magazine spreads and browsing shops. Look at recipes too – friends and family know your menu depends on fresh foods that are light and nutritious, the hallmark of Virgo’s culinary style.” IDK, she reads a lot of Martha Stewart I think and probably wants you to get in on the cornucopia action for the season. Just please invite me, because I’m scared my aunt is making that gluten free stuffing again. Don’t mix love and money on November 12, but if you need a spontaneous getaway — maybe you stole a really important piece of art or something — the day to do it is November 26.

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej