I’ll Admit it…I Have No Intention of Voting Today

This morning, I woke up to a ton of helpful reminders to vote today.  My only answer could be ‘no.’

I’d like to say I have some deep political reason for failing to vote. I’d like to say I’m protesting a corrupt system, unfair campaign practices and voter misinformation.

In reality, I’m not voting because of Primetime television.

Every show I see about politics or Washington has the same theme. Backbiting politicians buying votes with the money they get from whatever lobbyists are financing their careers. I mean, what the hell is the point of voting when Olivia Pope can just rig the machines and then blow up an office building full of people to cover up the crime?

I really need to stop watching so much TV.

Here in Florida, the race for Governor is taking center stage, with Charlie Crist and Rick Scott leading the way. For the past few months, I’ve been barraged with media messages telling me how evil they both are. If I vote for Charlie Crist, he’ll take away my job. If I vote for Rick Scott, he’ll burn down a college while eating a live puppy.

I have no opinion on either candidate, except to say that Charlie Crist looks exactly like a photo negative. What’s up with that?

Charlie Crist, the only man on the planet who looks relatively normal when you hit “invert image colors” in Photoshop.

 

I am plagued by equal parts apathy and cynicism. Whenever I’m forced to leave the house, I have to ask myself “is this worth putting on my shoes for?” Fritos and beer gets put firmly in the yes column, while midterm elections sit strictly in the ‘no’. Unless, of course, they’re giving away Fritos and beer.

My natural Gen-X apathy makes it impossible to make a decision unless there is some kind of immediate benefit to me. What can I say? My generation is inherently selfish.

On top of that, after watching about $100 million worth of ads with nothing but mud slinging and exaggeration, I don’t count on either candidate to tell me the truth. Look, I know the governor is an important guy, but I highly doubt he’s directly responsible for hundreds of thousands of people losing their jobs. Tax breaks and big business incentives only take us so far. After twenty years of surplus, we’re in a recession. It happens and I don’t think the big issues can be blamed on one dude.

There’s even a pretty big issue on the ballot today. It’s Florida’s initiative for medical marijuana. Amendment 2, for all you actual voters out there.  Some believe that it could even sway the election by getting supporters of legalized marijuana to the polling place.

They didn’t consider the Catch 22. The fact is, you’re counting on pot smokers to actually DO something. Have you ever been into a polling place while high? It’s scary as hell. There’s cops EVERYWHERE.

I mean, it’s not like I’m going to quit smoking pot if it stays illegal. Hell, even if they make it legal, I still won’t leave the house to get the prescription. Unless someone opens a dispensary in my living room, I’ll stick to shady midnight drug deals, thank you very much. Less paperwork.

Yes, I am fully aware that I’m part of the problem. I should be more grateful for living in a democratic society, where every voice is heard. The problem with every voice is that once everyone starts yelling, it all turns into a giant jumbled mess where you can’t decipher any one voice from another.

Am I doing anything worse than one of those people who show up to vote, after learning no information about the candidates or policies? You know the kind of people who vote for the handsomest candidate, or the one with the funniest name? There was a reason the Dick Swett kept getting elected in New Hampshire, and it wasn’t his politics.

If anything, I’m doing all you actual voters a favor. By keeping my completely uninformed opinion to myself, I’m making your vote matter more. I’m thinning out the pool.

You’re welcome, America.