Are You Responsible Enough?

Many years ago I attended a two day workshop on Reality Therapy. I can’t remember the name of the facilitator, but I will never forget how she began the first day: “I expect each one of you to arrive on time so you don’t disrupt everyone else. I don’t want to hear about how traffic made you late." Then she paused and said, "Now that we all know we are responsible for our behavior, let's begin."

Positive change in our lives begins with the mindset of "I am responsible." The question is, "How can you take ownership of your life, your decisions and your behavior and do it in a way that enhances your self-esteem and preserves your dignity?" Here are three suggestions that work:

Drop the personal blaming and shaming.
It’s easy to blame and shame ourselves in ways we don’t realize: We think things like, “Why can’t I be more disciplined?” “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why am I not further along in my career?” Those aren't really questions—they're accusations in disguise—and they wreak havoc with your self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence.

Taking responsibility shouldn't make you feel bad, it should make you feel strong and capable. Blaming and shaming makes you feel small and powerless, like a child being scolded. Taking responsibility is about acknowledging you are responsible—and when you do that, you will feel competent and capable of finding solutions and acting on them.

Ask better questions to get better results.
The “I am responsible” mindset avoids questions that are more accusations than questions. The right kind of questions bypass blame and shame and go right to solutions. For example: Replace “Why can’t I be more disciplined?” with “Is this something I've chosen for myself—do I really want this?”  Instead of asking “Why am I not further along in my career?” make a list of 1-3 things you can do better at work and ask, “How can I put one thing into action right now?”

How do you know if you're asking better questions? Notice how you feel after the question. Does the question imply judgment or does it raise solutions? Does it discourage you or motivate you? Being responsible isn't about catching yourself doing something wrong—it's about acknowledging your ability to make something better. Learn to frame questions to yourself that inspire you and bring out your best self.

Get the support you need to fuel your success.
If you’re not making progress on a goal that’s important to you, it’s likely you don’t have the support you need. The “I am responsible” mindset is about doing things for yourself but doesn’t mean you do it all alone. If you read the acknowledgment section in a book, you will find every author thanking the many people who helped make the book possible.

Taking responsibility for your life isn’t a “I can do it all alone” philosophy. It’s a “I can do it with a little help from my friends” philosophy. Think about something you want to change or improve in your life—something you’re not making progress on right now. My professional experience tells me your lack of progress isn’t about your talent,  drive or “discipline.” You have all that. What you don't have is the support you need. Get the support you need to fuel your success.

--Alan Allard, Executive Coach