Drunk History: Mutton Chops

Sometimes you’re perusing the world wide web, watching cats befriend dogs while clipping your toenails, when you stumble upon Internet gold, like the Inherent Vice trailer, which dropped last week and provided photographic genius in the form of Joaquin Pheonix’s 1970s mutton chops. Have you seen those babies? They are quite literally furry paws.

They were grown, ostensibly, for his free-wheeling detective character in the upcoming film, but I predict that in 2015, mutton chops will surpass the man-bun as the choice red carpet accessory for men.

The way I see it, sideburns have been poised for a comeback since The King passed (RIP). Sure, Elvis brought us “Love Me Tender,” the Vegas shotgun wedding and Halloween’s number one costume choice among dads, but his greatest contribution to society was undoubtably his sideburns. Nobody could deny that Elvis had the chops. He was pure rock and roll, the leader of facial hair.

Rock icons of future generations knew that on-stage pyrotechnics were visually impressive but didn’t mean shit if they themselves couldn’t grow mutton chops. In fact too much fire could easily spark rumors — “Maybe he’s over compensating for weak hair follicles.” Being a true badass meant ear-beards.

John Lennon staged two week-long stints in bed for peace but kept his burns long as a testament to rebellion. Elton John almost didn’t release “Tiny Dancer.”

“People will think I’m saying ‘Tony Danza!'” he cried, but the sideburns — and I know this to be fictional fact — gave him courage.

The trend grew like Rogaine into the 70s and 80s, giving way to the hirsute world of Disco, where sideburns lived harmoniously among perms and on cops and porn stars and porn star cops. Liam Gallagher of Oasis reinforced the chops in the 90s and even wrote a song dedicated to his muttons. Maybe you’ve heart of it — it’s called Wonderwall.

But the facial hair isn’t reserved for rock gods and disco cops. It’s also highly regarded among quirky hipster types — the kind of men who will argue that the Tahitian ukelele is superior to the guitar — and your local barista. Primarily used for warmth on, say, cold Brooklyn nights, the mutton chop is also an excellent callous remover. Jermaine Clement of Flight of the Concords fame was sporting them and a New Zealand accent before it was cool.

They are registered as a public figure on Facebook and you can befriend them if you’d like.

The most current proponent of the mutton chop has to be Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. With them, he is masculine, not to be fucked with, and in need of a warm bath. The mutton chop is emblematic of bravado and like the man-bun, it will soon move from code red (this man cannot afford a haircut) to red carpet staple.

But like pit hair, sideburns are not exclusively male. So pull your hair up and those little strands you’ve taken to calling “baby hairs” down. You’re trending.