Are You Too Selfish?

A client called a few weeks ago for her coaching session. Right away, I could sense something was wrong—not from what she said, but in her tone of voice. She was angry, confused and sad. Why? Because one of her close friends just told her, “You’re being selfish.” My client is a caring person, and although she knows that, the accusation hit hard.

She needed to figure out what was going on and what she was going to do about it. Have you ever been in a situation like that? I bet you have. Maybe a friend, co-worker or family member has told you at some point, in some way, “You’re being selfish.” 

Most people aren’t as bold as my client’s friend. They aren’t going to tell you you’re being “selfish”, even if they’re thinking that. No, they’re going to hint at it by saying things like:

“You can’t do that! What would the rest of the family think?”
“The kids need you to ________.”
“I know you’re not getting paid overtime for this, but I know I can always count on you.”
 “If you don’t do what your boss says, you might lose your job. Then what are we going to do? You have to think about your family.” 

The list of things people can say to make you feel bad and get you to cave in are endless.

The question is, can you assert yourself, communicate what you need and judge each situation on its own merits? Or do you find yourself feeling guilty and giving in? Do you feel selfish? Have you ever noticed that when someone hints that you’re being “selfish” it’s always when you’re not giving in to what they want?

Let’s say you’re working for your family’s business. You feel you’re being taken advantage of but you're told you’re the only one who can do what you do. If you don’t? The family business will go under. How do determine if you can do what “needs” to be done without sacrificing yourself at the altar? 

The way you know who's actually being selfish (thinking only of their own welfare and not being concerned with your well-being) is by asking them, “If I do this, what are you willing to do for me?” You may not feel comfortable saying that exactly, but it doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you human.

So, what do you do if you have this nagging feeling that you're being selfish in some way?  Share your situation with a trusted friend or advisor who isn’t connected and ask them what they think. Are you being selfish or is the other party?

It’s time we recognize that our needs and wants are just as important as anyone else’s. But what about the needs of your life partner, your boyfriend, your boss, your co-worker or your friends? Yes, their needs are important. But if you make their needs more important than your own, they’re going to be happy. 

You? Not so much.

--Alan Allard, Executive Coach