Did You Watch the Mindy Project Last Night?

If you watched last night, then you know why the above picture features Dr. Mindy Lahiri with the tables turned and her butt in the hospital bed. If you didn’t watch, here’s how we got to this place:

The show begins with an apple pie sex metaphor because the Mindy Project is never not starting and ending with sex. Mindy’s narration tells us how lucky she is to have a boyfriend who showers her with romantic surprises, like a necklace for no reason, or a freshly-bladed nose hair trimmer.

“But not all surprises are romantic,” she warns. Two seconds later, mid-hook up, Danny “slips” and his peen makes contact with her butt.

*Cue intro*

Danny and Mindy enter the office the next morning, arguing about what happened — Danny said it was an accident with zero intent and Mindy doesn’t believe him. My question is why did these two need to have the conversation now? In the morning? Before their first cup of coffee in a very public environment as opposed to the comfort of their bedroom, post-coitus? Did they just say nothing after he initiated P2B contact? At the very least why wouldn’t they talk in privacy before coming in?

Because Shulman & Associates is where the party’s at, that’s why.

In the snack room Tamra is telling a very important story about how she was scouted be a model but declined — she has a job, thanks — when Dr. Faux Hugh Grant enters and is immediately iced out. No one’s over the fact that he stole what’s her face from Peter. In fact, the Peter Alliance is so strong that they apparently have merchandise, a website, a mascot, and a hashtag — #TeamPeter.

It started to make me feel bad for Jeremy, even if he does wear the same shirt every single episode. You’re a grown man, Jeremy. Not a cartoon character.

Back in buttland, USA, Mindy seeks the advice of Peter who tells her that no man just “accidentally” goes for the bronze, if you know what I mean by bronze.

“What’s the most valuable thing in the world to you, the thing that you treasure above all else,” he asks.

“My signed photo of Kris Jenner,” says Mindy.

“Do you ever not know exactly where that thing is or exactly what it’s doing?” Peter asks.

Of course Mindy knows exactly where her signed photo of Kris Jenner is and what it’s doing, and as she begins to describe its precise coordinates she has a moment of clarity: Danny’s equivalent to Mindy’s signed Kris Jenner picture is his dick.

She calls him out. He claims it was a case of poor eyesight so they ruin an eye doctor’s son’s birthday (Caleb, he turned 2) to have this confirmed, all in the name of their inability to communicate (despite their strong ability to stand in the presence of nose hair grooming). Obviously Danny’s eyes are fine, and in the heat of yet another argument he poorly explains that he thought she would be okay with him introducing a new activity without a formal introduction because he figures she’s “done it before.” He suggests she’s slept with a lot of guys and Mindy declares, “I will not be slut-shamed in an ophthalmologist’s office!”

Me either, Mindy!

Mindy once again seeks the advice of Peter. You know how they say never ask your single friends for romantic advice? Peter once broke up with a girl because his water bed made her sick, so maybe Mindy should stop taking his advice.

She doesn’t take my advice, unfortunately, and instead agrees to have Peter show her some bedroom-spicing techniques that include, but are not limited to: The Ascot, The Bagpipe, and a move that requires one’s hip pop out of place (all of which was demonstrated on a Shulman & Associate skeleton.

(Told you that’s where the party was at.)

She decides consensual butt sex may be easier than intentional hip dislocation, but that she needs confidence lubrication (probably in addition to the other kind of lubrication, one would logistically assume) to do so. Luckily for Mindy, Morgan has just gotten his official Nurse Practitioner license and can now prescribe medication.

After bribing Morgan with a photo of herself and her dad (I too find this successful currency in certain situation), Morgan prescribes her the same sedative he takes before a horror movie or when he hears a scary story.

Fun Morgan fact! He pronounces “etc” as “etka.”

Later that evening Danny and Mindy are cuddling on the couch when he tells her the magical words every girl want to hear, which is that she’s all he needs, it’s not about the sex! And just as she’s setting into the crook of his arm, putting down the brutal brown liquor/sedative cocktail she’s made for herself and probably thinking how lucky she is, he likens their relationship to an old shoe that Beverly would wear.

(Sidebar: Where the F is Beverly? I’ve seen Danny’s couch more than her. Mindy Project Writers: a Beverly mention is hardly enough.)

Mindy chugs the drink — “let’s do this” her eyes tell the audience.

Two seconds later she’s full on hallucinating and I am having traumatic flashbacks on behalf of Peter’s ex-girlfriend who couldn’t handle a water bed. I feel everyone’s pain.

PAUSE: During all of this, Morgan “Parent Traps” Jeremy and Peter so that they can finally make up, but Jeremy throws literal fire at Peter, which miraculously only singes his eyebrows and causes him to spend the remainder of the episode looking like Cara Delevingne at Givenchy.

Back in the bedroom: Mindy flies off the bed without apparent cause (though she is essentially on self-concocted shrooms) and collapses on the floor. Danny rushes her to the hospital which is why (hello, are you with us now?) we began this recap with Mindy, her ass in a hospital bed, all because she roofied herself to relax for the sex-of-butts.

#TeamPeter shows up in the ER (Peter, Tamra, Morgan, ostensibly Mindy though she’s technically there on her own accord, and Danny who is there because of Mindy, although he did claim allegiance to #TeamPeter in an earlier lie for his absence to Morgan’s N.P. award ceremony). But it Dr. Jeremy Reed is also there, and everyone knows that you can’t stay completely mad at someone when you’re in a hospital. Jeremy and Peter agree to be polite at the office, but in public, to fight constantly.

And then, just when you think the show might end without a sex scene for once (guys, remember that when you assume it makes an ASS out of you and me), we see that Mindy and Danny are once again fine, with Mindy tied up to the bedpost and Danny holding a can of whipped cream. They’re trying new things, it seems, shaking it up on a level that both of them are comfortable with, when Mindy, god bless her, tries to eat Danny’s hand.

NOW. TELL ME ALL OF YOUR THOUGHTS IN THE COMMENTS BELOW. Are you #teampeter or sick of the fight? Has anyone else noticed that Jeremy seems to exclusively wear the same shirt? Or do they all just look similar? Did anyone try out the Band-Aid eyebrows look at work today? How did that go for you?