The Phases of Changing a Habit

An excerpt from “Small Steps to Giant Leaps”

When we wish to create a new habit, we must know that it takes practice, patience, and consistency. There are phases of learning a new habit, skill, or ability. I remember when I first learned to ride my bike. My mother would hold the back of the seat, and I would begin to peddle fast as she let go. I had to think about the peddling. My balance was wobbly, and stopping the bike was a whole new adventure. I remember I had to crash the bike the first time, because I was going so fast and I didn’t yet have the habit (ability) yet to stop.

In time, riding a bike became second nature to me. I didn’t have to think about it. I would practically live on my bike for most of my childhood. I could ride that bike with my eyes closed. I remember being able to stand on the seat as the bike was moving. All of our habits progress like this. At first we don’t understand the new skill or habit, and often we don’t even recognize the benefits it will have for us. Next, we attempt to learn the new skill, because we realize it could be of benefit to us in some way, often this is the toughest phase. I remember this phase when I learned to play the guitar, it seemed as though I would never get better. But I did.

The third phase is when we now know how to ride the bike or play the guitar, but it still takes a bit of concentrated effort to do so. This brings us to the final phase, where the skill or habit has become second nature to us: we hop on a bike without a thought, we strum the guitar with our eyes closed, not needing to think about it. In the world of psychology and education these are call the Four Stages of Competence and are called unconscious incompetence, conscious incompetence, conscious competence, and unconscious competence. Don’t worry, I will explain this cluster of words more simply. Let’s look at these four stages of competence, or phases of ability as I like to call them, in relation to changing our reactive habits of emotion that tend to control us and create undesirable results in our lives. As we begin to work with the methods outlined in my blog posts, we will naturally move through these phases, so understanding them will give us the power to accept each phase, knowing we will make progress.

Phases of changing our habit energy:

Phase 1

In this phase our jealousy, anger, or other afflictive emotion arises, and we react without even recognizing that we are reacting. It just seems to be who we are and what we do—an almost unconscious action or reaction.

Phase 2

We now recognize that anger, jealousy, miserliness, or fear arises, but we still allow it to create our reactions. Even if we fight the urge to react, we just can’t help ourselves. This is the toughest phase, and the one where most people give up, thinking they can never overcome this habit energy. Don’t give up because no matter how strong the emotion is and no matter how many times we allow it to hijack our actions, this is a necessary step in the progression. You will never fail if you never give up. This is where we need to bring in patience and self-compassion, being gentle with ourselves and not beating ourselves up when we do act out of a deluded sense of mind.

Phase 3

In this phase delusion arises, we feel the energy of it in our body, but we don’t allow the emotion to act itself out through us. We do not follow it, and conversely, we do not suppress it. We practice stopping and patient acceptance and allow it to pass through us without acting it out. Sometimes it takes days or hours to pass, but eventually it does pass. Perhaps you need to use writing to get it out, you may need to go for a long walk away from the person or situation that sparked it. Or you can use any of the numerous techniques we have been practicing so far throughout these blogs. At this phase you begin to bring clear thinking into the otherwise clouded mind of delusion. Perhaps you realize that the person who said something to you making you angry has recently lost his or her job or is going through a tough time and is just irritable. You may realize that the remark really had nothing to do with you, or that the person just suffers on deeper levels. Their cockiness or arrogance is just a cover for the pain they feel. Whatever the situation, we begin to bring wisdom into it, remember that wisdom means to see clearly: a mind that gets stuck in a delusion of anger, jealousy, greed, and so forth is the opposite of a clear mind. So in order to get to the clear mind of understanding, we practice stopping and allowing afflictive emotions to pass. Patience is key. This does not mean we become a passive doormat. Patience is a strength. It takes a warrior-like determination to walk away from a situation that makes us angry or to confront our greedy or jealous minds. It is easy to react with anger, but reaction is a weak state of being. We allow ourselves to be controlled by our delusions. On the other hand, the warrior is always in control, always stable and centered. When the storm of delusion arises, the warrior accepts that it is there, without the need to follow it. Such a demeanor is anchored in true strength, and every one of us has the potential for that warrior-like determination. Such a warrior is not the type that makes war on another. That’s not valiant. The warrior who sets out to know himself or herself, in order to serve others, exhibits true valor.

Phase 4

In this phase the reaction energy doesn’t even arise, and if it does, it is not as strong. in fact, often you forget that you had that energy arise in these situations. When the energy does arise, it is short lived, and you know how to let it pass through without letting it take control of you.

Keep these phases in mind as you work with your habits. The waves of energy that once manipulated and controlled your every action will become smaller and smaller as you engage in them less and less.

An excerpt from “Small Steps to Giant Leaps”