No Umbrella? No Problem.

It’s a wonder that in the year 2014 we have hypoallergenic dogs and phones that play fetch, yet somehow no one has managed to create an umbrella that doesn’t flip inside out the moment you open it. I picture civilized aliens in waist coasts drinking tea, looking down on us from whatever the planetary equivalent of Brooklyn is, wondering what it is about wet drops coming down from the sky that renders humans suddenly unable to function: “Look Margaret, they’re at it again. Running around like headless horsemen, flailing about with those stupid contraptions that seem to catch wind quicker than our nosey neighbor Gertrude, then blow around like mad and drag these sad people into oncoming traffic.”

Those with properly constructed umbrellas may disagree. My grandfather had the same umbrella for 15 years — the kind with a curved wooden handle and deep hunter green fabric. It succeeded exceptionally well at keeping him dry when he didn’t leave it at every single restaurant he frequented for lunch.

But we are smarter than umbrellas. We don’t need their flimsy promises anymore; $10 for shelter is too good to be true, CVS. Let’s show the aliens that we too take enjoyment in artisanal tea that comes from strained lavender, and that we’re better than the mountains of lost, wet bat wings we’ve left behind in cabs, diners, movie theaters and stairwells. We’re resourceful.

Instead of an umbrella, why don’t you try…

- A hat

- A coffee table book as opposed to a newspaper (you will look equally cultured but will be far more protected, plus it’s a great arm workout)

- A gigantic hooded-cape sans hungry, role playing wolf

- A flying squirrel who has perfected the art of hovering mid-air for extended periods of time, and is looking for a BFF to hang with

- Any amphibious animal with terrific balance who can sit atop your head in lieu of the hat

- Someone who needs a shower and a nap

- A trench coat worn over your head, buttoned up like a BAPE with a little peep-hole for the eyes

- A watermelon sliced in half and scooped (rinse thoroughly first, naturally)

- A vacation to a country where it is currently not raining

- Finally, an actual house. Not on your head, but as in, do not go outside.

Alright, your turn. What works better than an umbrella? And who else forgot theirs today?

(PS – If you do go with the hat option…)

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Image via the Stylograph