Why You Should Keep Your Promises

“But Mom, you prom-isssed,” wailed my 8-year-old when I told her she couldn’t have ice cream after dinner. While there is still some debate whether I promised or whether I said it was a “possibility” (I say no, I’m not a big ice-cream promiser) the drama  ignited an important discussion.

What is a promise? What does it matter? Does it hold true even if circumstances change? For example, my daughter had had a Slurpee when she was out before dinner, so it didn’t make sense to then load her up on ice cream an hour later.

And, if you don’t say the word promise, as I rarely do, is it still a promise?

What is a Promise?

A promise is a declaration or vow. A commitment that you are going to do (or not do) something you say. It’s a statement that gives others the reasonable expectation that you will follow through on your word.

Course we make promises all the time. There is the implied promise, when we buy a house that we will keep up with the payments. When we get married, we promise to hang tough even when one of us is acting crazy or annoying. We made a vow. A promise. When I take on an assignment, I promise to do the job on time, and with integrity.

I also commit to feeding the kid, cleaning the bathrooms, returning calls, driving with my seatbelt on and paying taxes and other grown-up deals – yet I never say “I promise” to do these things.

But then there are a whole lot of things that we commit to that ultimately go by the wayside or can’t be followed through on because circumstances change so quickly and completely that the promise no longer applies, such as the Slurpee vs. unexpected-ice-cream dilemma.

When that happens – when you double book a coffee date with friends and a work meeting, when you decide not to show at the party you promised to go to, many of those broken promises are understood and eased with simple communication alerting the person you promised to the change in plans.

But, done too many times, even the smallest broken promises can have a big impact on our relationships and our own self-worth.

How Broken Promises Hurt You and Others

Promises unkept send a clear message to the person you promised that something or someone else matters more. In other words: What is important to you is not them. And even the smallest thing to you – the promise of a phone call or dinner out – carries major significance to the person you promised – the friend who rearranged her schedule to meet you.

A promise is never just the thing you promised. It is your word. It is a declaration of what and who you value. It is a statement of what is important and how you choose to live your life. Whether you keep or break promises says a lot about who you are — a person to be counted on – or not?

Ultimately, broken promises devalue and disrespect others, but they also chip away at your own sense of self.

“Not keeping a promise is the same as disrespecting yourself. Ultimately it can harm our self-image, self-esteem, and our life,” says positive psychology expert Michelle Gielan.

Make Promises You Can Keep

Many of us don’t set out to break promises and chip away at our own self-worth. Circumstances change and that can cause us to waffle on our word, or simply have priorities shift in the moment. For example, my sick kid will negate your coffee date.

The key is to keep the promises you can so that it’s rare and circumstantial when you can’t make good on your word. It’s also important to choose your promises – you don’t have to promise anything and everything. Be judicious when you give your word. And, fill others in ASAP when conditions change.

When you are self-aware honest with others about what you can deliver, you’re more likely to deliver on your promises.

In the next post, I’ll talk more about how you can make promises you can keep. For now, start by not making many to begin with.