How to Make Promises You Can Keep

Keeping a promise is a big deal. Simply doing what you say you are going to do, matters a whole lot to people. And, whether you make or break a promise will influence the quality of your relationships and even your own self-image and self-worth.

You don’t even have to put out greater effort, say researchers at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, simply keeping your word is meaningful and powerful.

A promise is so highly valued, that it’s worth thinking about before you make a promise you can’t keep.

Four Ways to Make Promises You Can Keep

1. Say what you can do and what you will do. If you aren’t sure, don’t make a promise. Listen, you don’t have to promise the world. But if you do, make sure you can deliver. It’s okay when asked to say “I’m not sure, but I’ll try to be there” or “I can’t commit to that now.” But damage is done if you repeatedly make promises and fail to deliver. Take time to give some serious thought to the promise at stake and promise sure you can follow through.

2.Speak the truth, rather than saying what others want to hear. I used to have this bad habit of promising to call. I’d run into old friends, people who I sincerely liked, and I’d end every conversation with: “We should get together. I’ll give you a call.” Even while hearing the words roll off my tongue, I knew I would never call. Life was busy, and I had a tight network of close friends and family responsibilities and I wasn’t good about reaching out to acquaintances that way. So why did I say it? I think it’s because I didn’t know how to end the conversation. It seemed appropriate to indicate to these people whom I genuinely liked that I would like to see them again. I said what I thought people might want to hear. Thing is, it always felt like a lie and it undermined how I felt about myself. So, I stopped doing. Now, I speak the truth. ’ll say something like “it is nice to see you. I’m so glad I ran into you.” But I don’t make promises based on what others might want or expect from me.

3. Be honest about your limitations and your needs. When I’m writing a book, I can hardly hold a conversation that isn’t about the work. So, this is not a good time to promise to meet friends for dinner or coffee dates. I am also a person who needs downtime. If I have more than two demands or social engagements a day, I know I’m not going to make the third – so I limit my activities. If it’s a busy week, I’ll look ahead and see that it wouldn’t be smart to promise I’ll be at the weekend party – when I know I probably won’t be up to going. Though it sometimes happens, I work hard not to over-commit.

This requires some self-awareness. You have to take a look at the other responsibilities in your life, your values, your physical and health needs, your schedule. You have to know what matters to you and what doesn’t and then commit to the things that do so that you can keep your promises.

4. Update others immediately, when you can’t make good on your promise. Life changes, kids get sick, work hours are added, or your parents are unexpectedly coming to town. Things change that may prevent you from keeping certain promises. Hopefully, because you are a person who usually keeps your word, one broken promise as a result of changing circumstances won’t hurt your relationships.

But, when you make a promise, others act on the expectation that you are good for it. They buy extra food for the dinner or they put your item on the agenda. They include you in their plans. If things change, the responsible and respectful thing to do is to let others in on it. Call and explain why you can’t follow through. Make amends if they are required. It’s not only polite and respectful, but it shows that you also take your promises seriously.

Making promises that you can keep is about self-awareness. It’s about knowing your values and valuing yourself and those you promise. It’s about keeping your word because that is the way you show self-respect and respect to others. You don’t have make a bunch of promises. You don’t have to say anything at all. Consider carefully, the promises you will make because they can improve and enhance your relationships or whittle them away.

“Do what you promise you will do,” says behavioral scientist Nicholas Epley, “and people will be grateful.”

And you’ll be able to live better with yourself.