Effortlessly and Passionately

I happened to reopen my diary at the same page last week.  And now it's so clear, plain as day: the only two things I care about in this life, and the two things that I felt were now utterly absent in my life.  The same phrase, written three times:
"Love and Freedom."
"Love and Freedom."
"Love and Freedom."
BETRAYAL of Love and Freedom
a novel by Paul Huljich
Based on a little truth

September 24, 1988, SaturdayPHOTO (circa 1950's): 
My Dad’s half-sisters: JOSIE, ESTHER, NELLIE and JENNY

 I agreed to attend.   My Dad’s half-sister, Esther Vigil-Garcia, was having her 50thAnniversary Party event.   Esther married to Reubel Garcia on September 24, 1939 when she was 21 years old.  Mom asked me to attend.  My brothers weren’t too eager to attend family gatherings.   I thought it would be nice to see relatives I don’t see often enough.It was nice to see my cousin, Rebecca (Nellie’s daughter).  I captured a nice polaroid shot of her.
PHOTO:  Rebecca
It felt a bit sad and awkward because my Dad couldn’t be here.   Alas…such is life as it goes on.


I had the honors of driving.  It was a nice affair.  
PHOTO:  Aunt LelaMy Dad’s sister-in-law (my Aunt) Lela was there with her daughter (my cousin) Donna Armijo with her boyfriend, Mike Solorio.  My first-cousin, Donna, looked as gorgeous as ever.   I love her hair…like a model.

 PHOTO:  Donna and Mike
It was especially nice to see my Aunt Esther and Uncle Reubel look so happy with everyone gathered for their GOLDEN ANNIVERSARY.   How often does this happen (after all)?  PHOTO:  Esther and Reubel

My mom has a special, friendly relationship with my dad’s niece, Cecelia Markus (Esther’s daughter).     Cecelia often calls my mom to keep her informed with my Dad’s side of the family.   I liked the loving Polaroid shot I took of mom with Cecelia during this festive gathering.   I teased my mom about it later.  Everyone was a little on the ‘tipsy’ side.  PHOTO:  Cecelia Garcia-Markus and Mom

September 25, 1988, SundaySunday morning rolled along and I rode by on my bike to mom's house.  Mom was on the phone, talking to Cecelia about the gossip and events of the Golden Wedding Anniversary Party from last night.   I think my mom wanted to get off of the phone.   I detected this because she was doing more listening than chatting.

I couldn’t wait…I went on a longevity bike ride.   I was thinking about my evening date with Amy L Platt.   I was driving out to Lafayette to see her later.  I felt a strong connection with her and felt a need to simply ‘go with the flow’.   I believe she wants me.   As I was riding I made a decision to really focus on solidifying our relationship.
And so, I arrived at Amy’s place in Lafayette at about six-thirty on a lax Sunday evening.   She smiled at my arrival and we went for a quick bite at a little dive-place in town near the Lafayette Park Hotel (on Mount Diablo Boulevard).  Amy asked, “So what’s new?”.“Oh…the usual stuff,” I answered, “I went to my Aunt’s Golden Wedding Anniversary yesterday.   It was kind of fun to see a lot of family that I hadn’t seen a while.”

“Those family gatherings can be a bit stressful, too.”“Yeah, but this went over well.   And now, I’m here with you and I’m happy to be here.”
“I’m happy you’re here, too,” Amy smiled.
"So, let’s go.  I wish it wasn't a work day tomorrow."

We arrived back to Amy's pad quickly enough.   She lives in a bit of a guest house that is attached to the house.  It's very private.   Her place is small but I guess it works for her.   She opened a sliding door and I entered.“This is cozy,” I said.
“Yeah, I like it.”
I browsed at the materials on her desk.   I was about to say “I guess I should go” but I felt she wanted me there.
“The people that live here have left for the weekend.”
“Oh…I guess that makes it nice for you.”
“It’s only temporary.”
I felt she wanted me to know that we were alone.   I took intimate steps into my own hands and approached her.  My face was facing hers.  She smiled and I just did it.  I kissed her.   It was nice.  She was ‘into’ it.  I was ‘into’ it.  Her lips were perfect.   I felt that I was embarking on a great journey.   It was mutual bliss.

Before long I realized we were lying on the floor next to her bed.   I was on top of her.  I stopped kissing and looked at her face and into her gorgeous blue eyes.   We kissed again.   The French kissing was superb.   I felt a need to move forward, so I began to unbuckle my pants when Amy startled me.“No…don’t!” Amy snapped.
I thought of the movies when a woman says ‘No’ and really wants more, so I kissed her effortlessly and passionately.   I wanted to continue.
Yet again, she ruined the moment.  She was adamant and angry.   It was as if this was all wrong in her eyes when I knew she wanted it (as much as I did).  
"What’s wrong with you?” I asked.
"Just don’t…” 
I honestly didn't recognize this fierce side of her.
I got up and said, “Okay, fine.   I’ll just leave then.”
I walked out.   I was pissed.   It was over.   Did she feel like I was assaulting her or attempting to rape her?   Give me a break.   I stopped.  She didn’t budge to stop me from leaving.   As far as I was concerned I didn’t want to see her face ever again.  

A couple of hours later I was at mom’s house.   Mom and I started watching a movie.Mom asked, “What’s the matter?”
“Oh nothing.”“You look like you’re thinking about something.”
“Oh…just Amy.   She bugs me sometimes.”
Mom shrugged it off.   During a commercial break I looked at my Polaroid and positioned the timer to take a self-portrait.   I felt a need to mark the moment.   Some people change their hairstyle after a break-up.   I take a photograph.   Would anyone know from this photo that I had just been jilted?
PHOTO:  Me, relaxing after the stress of Amy

"She seemed like a good idea at the time. But good ideas have a shelf life."BETRAYAL of Love and Freedom, a novel by Paul Huljich, Based on a little truth