Who Will You Let Shape Your Story?

A few weeks ago I noticed some ways in which my current self was different from who I was a year earlier.

I found changes, however subtle, in my speech patterns, my temperament, the way I process conflict, and the way I spend my time and money. Do you do that? Do you ever look at yourself and find that something has changed in the last few months? Maybe you’ve picked up a habit, be it good or bad.

Assuming you’ve noticed something along those lines:

Do you ever wonder how that change happened?

When I see these kinds of shifts — positive and negative pieces of myself I don’t recognize at first — I usually trace the origin back to someone else.

It’s not that they get the credit or the blame, and not that they forced me to do anything I didn’t want to do. Rather, what has happened is someone influential in my life has given me permission — permission to be, feel, act, or speak in a way I wasn’t being, feeling, acting, or speaking before.

If your friend constantly checks his phone while you’re having coffee, you might find yourself doing the same thing because your friend has implicitly given you permission to do so. If your boss makes crude jokes in the break room, it probably won’t be long until someone else takes advantage of the permission they’ve been given and joins in.

But there is a more positive side.

Maybe you have a friend who has given you permission to ignore mindless trends. Perhaps you have a parent who gave you permission to take risks and make mistakes when you were trying to discover yourself.

As much as we like to think of ourselves as independent, self-controlled entities, psychologists and neurologists (and bloggers) agree other people are continually shaping us. The friends, leaders, loved ones, and even adversaries in our lives give us permission to change — a million inconspicuous invitations to become more or less like the person we want to be.

Some people give us permission to dream; others give us permission to demean.

People invite us to forgive or to hold a grudge.

To be vulnerable or to be vicious. To include or to exclude. To speak freely or to speak falsely. To value or ignore thoughtful critique.

Some people have given me permission to admit mistakes, to give voice to my fears and shortcomings, and to set aside my to-do list in order spend time with someone I care about.

In my best moments, I took that permission and ran with it. Others have given me permission to be careless, to be self-serving, to be cynical, and to be unprepared. In my worst moments, I took that permission and ran with it as well.

In becoming aware of this dynamic, we have the opportunity to be more intentional about who we let influence us.

And what changes we’re going to make.

This may be as simple as deciding that even though a particular friend gives you permission to gossip, you’re going to decline that invitation from now on. Or it may be as complicated as deciding that from now on you need to live, work, or worship with people who are constantly inviting you into the kind of love, faithfulness, integrity, and calling that comprise the best version of yourself.

Of course, a truly great story is not only characterized by receiving permission, but also by giving it. Just as we are undeniably shaped by others, we shape them too. Imagine the effect we could have on the stories around us by giving people permission to grow in all the ways that matter.

Let’s try it. I’m pretty sure we have permission.

Who Will You Let Shape Your Story? is a post from: Storyline Blog