If We Controlled the Fashion Week Calendar

I don’t know if this was the case for you but my high school used to send out a calendar that would start in tandem with the school year in September and end the following August. It came pre-marked with days of historical and religious observance that would call for the closing of school. It included events like championship basketball games, bake sales, parent-teacher conferences and the vacation days that were planned before snow storms or hurricanes could interfere with its trajectory. It fed this idea that we were living in our own micro-world. One that seemed completely impervious to the happenings of whatever occurred outside the confines of high school and our respective homes.

If this is how community is built, I think that makes a lot of sense.

Especially, I might add, because within the community of fashion, there is a well-respected, regarded and heeded calendar. Not coincidentally at all, it goes by the name, The Fashion Calendar. Instituted just over 65 years ago by Ruth Finley, it was put in place to function as a master planner that would eliminate scheduling conflicts among the denizens of the high school that is fashion. On July 25th, 2014, fashion history was made when the CFDA announced that it had acquired the fashion calendar. Because it’s the first day of New York Fashion Week and as a result, the following seven days will be largely dependent on adhering to the information doled by this calendar, here are some changes Amelia and myself would like to petition for, starting with, as fate and our fingertips would have it, the start times.

While several shows across the calendar begin at 9AM, we’d like to suggest a hard, blanket start at 10AM. No, 10:20AM. (In fashion speak, this means 11.)

This will make change #2 feel much more comfortable, which is the mandatory serving of hard liquor for shows that occur past 7PM (also, a required Gloria Gaynor song should be seeded somewhere throughout the soundtracks of every show that presents).

For change #3, we’d institute better snacks that could theoretically emerge from mobile vending machines set up across New York City that are accessible only through a special key fob that would make fashion people feel even more important than we already are not and might also present the opportunity to participate in random acts of kindness (e.g. you get a snack, see someone who can’t access the machine to get their own snack and so you give them yours. Nice bucket challenge complete. Five for you, Glenn Coco).

The other solution to nourishment is a unanimous break time for food consumption. I theorize this doesn’t exist because that break time might be mistaken for an outfit change which I’d be hard pressed to assume the fashion calendar has any interest in perpetuating.

Seeing as the calendar controls so much of how fashion week occurs, we also wouldn’t mind if fashion week invitations were strongly recommended to be sent via pigeon or garden gnome as opposed to messenger. It’s hot in September and really cool in February, you know?

Additionally, should shows really maintain the capability to occur between a radius of sometimes 80 blocks? I just don’t know. But in our version of the fashion week calendar, all shows are separated by no more than two blocks. This makes getting around by cartwheel, on knees or using little baby snails as shoes seem far more lucrative. Plus, it further eliminates our carbon foot print! That’s a win for everyone.

Any additional suggestions? Deposit them you know where and don’t forget to follow our asses on Twitter, Vine and Instagram where we will be updating regularly! Ta ta.