Stuart Hazleton’s September Astrology

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Stuart Hazleton’s September Astrology:

 

Prepare For a Possible Fall

With unstable Uranus in flux, get ready for some major changes.

Some will be good, some will be bad–but trying to avoid change is like Eddie Murphy

hoping for a hit with Beverly Hills Cop Part 17: It ain’t gonna happen.

 

ARIES:

Friend-Scope:

Tired Neptune makes you need more than your usual 40 winks of sleep from the 17th through the 27th. This uncharacteristic lack of energy may confuse allies who think you’re losing interest, so, make sure friends understand this is a physical phase that has nothing to do with them. After the 27th, expect a return to your usual abundant energy level.

Sex-Scope:

When your mate–or date–has you wanting to call all sexual shots on the 28th, get ready to do so–with gusto! Face it, fire sign: You’ve always liked to take charge of all things carnal, and, this is the perfect opportunity to do so, so speak up before getting seriously sexual!

 

TAURUS:

Friend-Scope:

Your ruling planet, charming Venus has you oozing so much charisma this month you’ll feel like the next Channing Tatum or Emma Roberts. Use this burst of beauty to foster friendships you’ve left idle and to fire up new ones. The really great news? This supernova of flash and sass lasts from the 6th to month’s end. Use this period of uber-attractiveness wisely, earth sign–to increase your bevy of buds and increase already strong bonds.

Sex-Scope:

Your usually reserved side takes a backseat as hedonistic Venus put you in the mood for very sloppy second and third rounds on the 13th. Normally, you’re the type who likes to shower between sex acts, but doing so during this deliciously dirty bout of bedroom bops is a mistake: Staying a little wet, hot and bothered will just add to the fun!

 

GEMINI:

Friend-Scope: 

Wild-child Jupiter makes you a party waiting to happen on the 19th and 20th, so give in to Jupe’s party-boy vibe by throwing a get together for friends, acquaintances and even frenemies: With your penchant for witty wordplay, if a not-so-awesome ally tries to publicly stab you in the back at your soiree, not only will that attack miss the mark, you’ll have a blast firing back!

Sex-Scope:

Submissive Venus has you wanting to submit to your paramour on the 26th. If you fully trust your erotic other half, once you’ve agreed on a safe word, let him or her break out silk sashes to tie your hands to the bedpost before going full out raunch-and-roll. If trust isn’t at 100%, however, opt for something far less manic–the missionary position may sound tired but it’s tried and true, and, if anything occurs that makes you feel uncomfortable it’s easy to push your other off of you.

 

CANCER:

Friend-Scope:

When an awesome ally, who can’t forget a tragic event from his or her past, comes to you for advice after the 6th, use wordsmith Mercury’s powers-of-persuasion to pull your pal out of the past. With so much uncertainty in the air this month, count on this being a serious call for help–and it certainly won’t be coming from someone who’s just an acquaintance or occasional ally. This is one of your best buds, water sign–and he or she needs your insight ASAP

Sex-Scope:

With pared-down Pluto calling sexual shots from the 16th through the 20th, you’ll feel like exploring your erotic nature sans clothing. By all means, ditch your duds, Cancer–but unless you feel like spending a night in jail, make sure you only do so at home with the blinds drawn. Meanwhile, if you’re lucky enough to live in the country with no neighbors? Letting it all hang out for a few days when you’re not at work will ensure things will suddenly pop up.

 

LEO:

Friend-Scope: 

Get a second opinion when a true friend delivers some dumb advice around the 29th. Although this info will immediately ring false, you may find yourself dwelling on it it you don’t have one of your down-to-earth allies talk some sense into the equation. 

Sex-Scope:

Reveal your true feelings on the 25th, when surprisingly sensitive asteroid Juno has you wanting to play house with your partner. If this sounds more boring than binge-watching Full House, think again, fire sign: Grab stuff for a sexy supper during this time, but avoid plates so you can take turns licking foodstuffs off your fornicating friend as a form of foreplay–then, let the real action begin!

 

VIRGO:

Friend-Scope:

Soothing Venus has you wanting to de-stress from the 7th on, so only hang out with favorite friends and opt for relaxation. Whether said relaxation is shared time at the gym, taking turns hitting a punching bag, or, hanging out for a mani-pedi all depends on you and your personality. Indulge yourself for a change, earth sign–and stop being so damned stressed out.

Sex-Scope:

The stress I spoke of above also strains bedroom boundaries from the 5th on, courtesy of nervous Mercury, your ruler. If you’re coupled, this will have you needlessly needling your other half, thinking she or he is screwing around (this isn’t the case, sign-of-the-virgin-lite)! Meanwhile, if you’re cruising a crush, yeah, of course it’s a possibility this cutie might be considering his or her options–that’s part of the dating game, Virgo and you’ll simply have to deal with it–but acting nervous and needy will doom coupling so keep that behavior in check. If you do have a better half, aim for slow and easy sex that soothes–and let some of the wilder signs engage in raunch, that you’re better off just reading about.

 

LIBRA

Friend-Scope:

Kiss and make up when you see the possibility to rekindle an old friendship after the 5th. This ancient annihilation of your alliance was due to a misunderstanding, courtesy of confusing asteroid Chiron. Work past this, with careful communication and something that’s a tough, tough word for you to swallow–TRUST. Reacquainting yourself with this blast from your past will solidify your base of buds and a Libra can never have too many truly close comrades.

Sex-Scope:

Raunchy Mars has you gunning for erotic action from the 21st through the 27th. Count on being consumed with extra energy that has you wanting truly wanton wants like a threesome. Carefully consider the repercussions of such an act, sign-o’-the-scales: If communication about such carnal desires isn’t entirely explicit and honest, everything from your relationship can be wrecked or your life through unwanted–and awful–illness. If you’re still interested in more than one bed buddy at a time, after careful discussion, agreement from ALL parties, and danger avoidance (yeah, I’m talking about rubbers and smart sex) make with a decidedly different Donna Reed route, Libra–and make yourself a sandwich.

 

CAPRICORN:

Friend-Scope:

Muddled Mars has you way too concerned with what others think after the 25th. This is a time for introspection, my ambitious goat, so plot out goals instead of bonding with buds–and whatever you do, don’t form any new friendships during this period: They won’t be real and could cause very real trouble for you sooner than you think.

Sex-Scope:

Nocturnal Neptune has you wanting to pull an all-nighter when it comes to sexuality on the 20th. Give in to this thrust of lust with carefully timed Cappucinos and Frappucinos: Sometimes a trip to sexual satisfaction is only as far away as your nearest Starbucks!

 

SCORPIO:

Friend-Scope:

You’ll literally feel sick to your stomach when you discover someone you viewed as an ally is anything but, courtesy of eye-opening Uranus on the 15th. Though you’ll consider vengeance, avoidance is a much better bet: While revenge may work well for Mr. Voorhees in the Friday the 13th flicks, in real life it just leads to escalation, so, while dumping this dud IS key, retaliation is dumber than Jessica Simpson–so make like that stupid 80’s slogan and ‘just say no’ to negativity.

Sex-Scope:

Innovative Uranus has you wanting to push past your bedroom boundaries between the 11th and the 14th. Normally, my advice would be to go for it, but with so much uncertainty in the air, turning fiction into friction will be just that–which could ultimately doom your partnership or literally crush your crush. Stow away those whips and chains and opt for something less sexually straining. Save your sense of fun however: Just because you can’t live out your fantasy doesn’t mean you need to view bedroom bops as a job–unless said job has ‘blow’ as the word just before.

 

SAGITTARIUS:

Friend-Scope:

With responsible Saturn pulling behind-the-scenes strings on the 9th through the 12th, look for a new ally at work or school, who’ll help drive you to success. This ambitious type is most likely a Gemini, Aquarius or Capricorn, but, with so many planets in play, the easiest way to scope out this new special friend is to look for a person outside your inner circle who has a quick wit and obvious big plans for the future.

Sex-Scope:

Be careful not to stroke your sexuality away from the 17th on, with nit-picky Mercury only interesting you in a perfect partner. What am I talking about, Sagi-guy or gal? You’ll suddenly be finding your porn stash more potent than your other half or possible partner. Realize those pics/videos you’re looking at of perfect people aren’t real: Many porno stars look like drowned rats once the heavy make-up has been removed (please don’t ask how I know this! ;-) ) Step away from your computer screen to have actual interaction with a real live person, because face it, fire sign: You can’t take your hand out on a date!

 

AQUARIUS:

Friend-Scope:

Juggle Saturn-sent stress after the 29th, when a bushel of buddies all want your insight at once. There are two ways of looking at this, Aqua-man or woman: Wig out from all the questions, or, prioritize your allies according to their problems–and be thankful that you have so many true-blue friends!

Sex-Scope:

Go balls-deep when Mars gives you extra staying power between sheets on the 6th. Run with the raunch by taping the titillation with your phone–but with Uranus throwing everything up in the air, delete that data once you and your bed buddy–or buddies!–have reviewed the raunch! :-)

 

PISCES:

Friend-Scope:

Expect flashes of your future when your ruling planet, knowing Neptune, increases insight into a frenemie’s behavior on the 6th. Normally, I’d advise you to avoid this budding back-stabber but she or he may hold some ideas to help you build a happier future–with advice concerning your other, or, an ex-passion partner. Pay attention to body language to help you add to your already-sensitive 6th sense. 

Sex-Scope:

What feels like exhaustion is anything but, when bedroom-eyed Venus has you all about visuals but not so much about action. My advice, fishy? If you’re a guy slip into your sexiest underwear–whether boxers or briefs is up to you–and if you’re female, break out that beautiful lingerie you’ve been keeping for a special occasion. Then, once you’ve got yourself dudded-up, let your dude or dudette do all the work! ;-)

 

 

What’s that old Nike slogan again? Just do me?!

Actually, I don’t think that’s quite it–but just do me anyway…