Invitation To Tears Read-Along #4

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See Read-Along 2
See Read-Along 3

Welcome to week 3, everyone! Today’s post is written by thanatologist and co-author of Invitation to Tears, Aubrie Hills. She delivers a hamper full of good ideas, sources and comfort.

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This week I have covered Chapter 2: “What Our Faith Can (and Cannot) Do”. You can listen here. In the podcast, I tackled an excellent question from Campbell via the blog, discussed some precautions as we talk about suicide and grief, and shared some thoughts on this week’s difficult topic. I must thank you for accepting the challenge to wade through deep waters with us. The more I talk to grieving people who know and trust Jesus, the more I hear questions like:

“Why is it that my church doesn’t get it?”

“When I reach out for support, why does it make me feel guilty?”

“Am I even allowed to be sad/angry/upset/confused”?

What these people are asking is if there is something about their experience that they should feel ashamed of or concerned about. Readers, the answer is emphatically no. Your grief is robust and messy, and you are not isolated in your pain. In this week’s chapter, Jonalyn and I talk about the experiences of Job, Elijah, Elisha, and Jesus as they encountered suffering.

I also shared a selection from Rabbi Earl Grollman’s book Living When a Loved One Has Died. The poem is entitled, “Unsolicited Advice”.

Everyone knows what is best for you.
 People offer words of consolation:

“I know just how you feel.”
 (You want to scream: “No you don’t! 
How can you possibly know what
 I’m going through?”)

“You are doing so well.” 
(“Do you know how I feel when you leave?”)

“Your loved one lived to a ripe old age.” 
(“At any age death is a robber.”)

“Others have lived through it.” 
(“I’m not concerned about others. At this 
moment I’m concerned about myself.”)

“It’s God’s will.”
 (“Then this vindictive and vengeful God must be my enemy.”)

Your heart is breaking – and they offer you clichés.
 You see, they are frightened, too.
 They feel threatened and ill at ease.
 But they are sharing as best they can.
 Accept their companionship, but you need not take their advice.
 You may simply say, “Thank you for coming.”
 And then do what is best for you.

Links conneced to this week’s podcast should you want to explore:

My very favorite book on the sacramental beauty of dying well, Allen Verhey ‘s  The Christian Art of Dying: Learning from Jesus
The Innocence Mission’s “I Haven’t Seen this Day Before“
Information about support for suicide loss, understanding suicide, warning signs and a host of helpful information from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
An article on How to Tell Friends What You Need from Modernloss.com
This week in the Compass Checkpoints, the movie suggestion is Lars and the Real Girl. Here is a link to an interesting article written by review of the film, highlighting some of the questions that may arise regarding faith, grief, and recalling old losses as fresh loss surfaces

 

For next week, consider the ways in which your grief story contains a unique ebb and flow. Perhaps this is seen in the way that you have come to understand your loss, how you recount the details to others. Maybe you have found it easier to grieve actively through physical activity, creative projects, or journaling.Think of learning your grief response as good self-care.  The more that we notice and become discern our grief language, the better we are at taking care of ourselves and asking for what we need.

As always, please leave comments and questions for next week’s reading, Chapter 3: Learning Your Language of Loss below. Or you can send confidential questions to mail(at)soulation(dot)org. You must have your questions submitted by 1pm MT Friday afternoon.

Here is the iTunes link if you want to subscribe to the podcast.

If you’re reading via email, click here to listen to the podcast.

See Read-Along 1
See Read-Along 2
See Read-Along 3