My Why
There is a moment, or several, for all of us when we figure out exactly why we do what we do. That moment when you pause, and know in the deepest part of your heart, why you are here. Why you are on the path you are on or why you ended up where you were presently standing. That day when you look around you, or gaze in the mirror and say, “This is why.” That split second when the “why” becomes known, even if only to you, and you watch all of the pieces fit snuggly in place on the puzzle board of your existence.
Last year I put a lot of thought into where I was going, and what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I knew some specific things that were at the top of my priority list – similar, I’m sure, to most people. But there was a deep need nagging at me to do something larger, much larger than myself. The need to give. I have always believed that the best way to find yourself is to give of yourself – freely, and without strings. Completely. Up to that point in life I had volunteered here and there. I began small rituals that I did with the kids at certain times each year to benefit our local homeless community. I made several friends within that community, and I began collecting stories. The more I heard, the more that need inside me grew. I didn’t know then that I would end up here, but I knew that I was going to do more.
Then came my birthday month at the end of the year and with that month came some major heartache. I believe when we are at low points in our lives – it is easier to see clearly – easier to see the bigger picture and easier to take chances, to throw caution to the wind and try things we might not otherwise try. I believe it is when we feel like we have less to lose that we are more apt to risk. I did that. I threw caution to the wind and decided to walk away from my career and write a book. I gave myself enough time to try to figure out the ins and outs of the publishing and book-marketing world, and I did it. By April, I published my first book. But that was just the beginning, and I still had no idea that path would lead me here. I am going to skip a large portion and many of the details that connected me from there to here because I am saving that story for an upcoming project that I have set to release later this year. But I am going to fill in some of the blanks.
In the time between publishing First One Down and doing character and plot creation for Second Sight; marketing was heavy on my mind and because I write very dark fiction, it is important to me to shine some type of light on my work. One morning while driving, I had an idea and thought what better way to add some positive than to donate a portion of the proceeds from every book I write to a local organization. I wanted to choose an organization that was either relevant to a social issue or character in my books. The previous night, I had fleshed out a character for Second Sight that was a homeless Vietnam era veteran, and I decided to seek out a local organization that assisted homeless veterans. That road took me to places I would have never guessed I would end up. In fact, I ended up in an entirely different place than I set out to be, the exact place I was meant to be. Of that, I have zero doubts.
I never intended to be a non-fiction writer. I didn’t set out to write these stories, and I certainly didn’t think I would change direction so completely. But, the process of writing AFTER has indeed changed not only my direction; it has changed my life.
The road that I have traveled over the past five months has turned almost every single part of my thinking process upside down; I’ve witnessed things I didn’t think were possible. During the process of conducting interviews and doing research for AFTER; my perception of war, government, politics and the strength of the human spirit have all changed. The measuring stick by which I gage, not only my character, effort and attitude, but that of every person that I choose to have in my life, has changed. It’s a strange feeling to develop a brand new measuring stick at my age and the process by which that evolved has made me put myself under a magnifying glass and truly explore on an extremely deep level the life I have lead up to this point. It will undoubtedly have a profound effect on the life I lead going forward and the example that I try set for others.
The people that I have the honor of being around these days make me stop and think, they cause me to look on in amazement, and have taught me what it looks like to pick yourself up and move forward. They have also taught me about true sacrifice and loss, and they have shown me the power of a positive attitude, the importance of acceptance and the healing powers that understanding can have. That listening is more important than talking, and that broken is a word most commonly used by those of us who have no idea what being broken means. Also, that love is the strongest super-glue, and that perseverance is much like motivation – sometimes you have to hunt it down, grab it with both hands and force it on every single day. Most of all, they have taught me that the phrase “life is a gift” has a bigger meaning than most of us realize and that throwing even one day away is a slap in the face to those who don’t get to make that choice ever again.
My “why” has changed – drastically. I know why I am where I am. I pinch myself frequently and am still in disbelief much of the time when I sit close and listen to stories that few will ever have the privilege of hearing first hand. I leave those interviews caught up in the emotion of the stories shared with me, and it consumes me for days afterward – every time. I lay awake at night, fearful that I won’t be able to do those stories justice in the book I am writing about these beautiful human beings. It is what I think about twenty-three hours of almost every twenty-four hour day. I obsess over it. And I learn. Every day I feel myself let a little piece of ugly go – wash off of me, out of my system like shampoo being washed out of a big, messy mop of hair. Every day I feel cleaner than I did the previous day. I feel grateful. Less self-consumed. It feels good.
So many times during these past few months, people have commented that this is a great thing I am doing – as if it were ME giving something back to help others. To those that see it that way I would like to point out that I AM SELFISH and that this is not some altruistic thing I am doing. This project is just as much for me, as it is for them.
A few weeks back, I was interviewing a man who I will leave unnamed in this post. During the very first part of that interview, he said something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I asked him why he agreed to the interview, and he said he hated doing interviews but that he did it for one reason and one reason only.
“I do this because someone, somewhere might pick up an article or a book and read this and they might be at the end of their rope. Maybe they will read this and think their life isn’t so bad. Maybe they will read this and know they can go on, too.”
It hit me then, in that very moment, that this book wasn’t just about raising money for an organization or raising awareness about the need for more substantial services for our combat injured men and women. It struck me that this book was bigger than that. Much bigger. Writing about the realities of the cost of war, the stories of the men and women who lived, and survived that hell and have gone on to thrive after – well, that could save a life. The personal demonstration of hope told in real-life accounts could show someone else that it is possible to go on, after loss. If I can be the vessel by which that message is available – I am indeed the recipient of the biggest benefit here. Being that vessel has become my why. Those stories have become my message and the example set forth by these brave, beautiful men and women have become my measuring stick.
These days when I wake up, I am no longer curious or clueless about the reason I am where I am. I know exactly why, and I am thankful each and every day for being in the spot I am in right now.
-RJ
#AFTER is set to release late this year. Follow me on Twitter or check my website for release news.
@AuthorRJBelle
