Change Unedited
Change. The word is ugly – it scares me and can raise my stress level exponentially. The mere thought of making a change sends me into a downward spiral filled with erratic emotions and irrational behavior. Yes, I admit freely that I do not adapt quickly or easily to change. I am comforted by the knowledge that I am not alone, that I am not the only freak who doesn’t know how to deal gracefully with change. Uncool I know, but true.
Yesterday I took my eight-year-old daughter to Coronado, California. Coronado is where I want to move within the next two years. I love it there. I feel at peace there. I love the small-town feel. I love the school district test scores, low crime rate and being on an island surrounded by water doesn’t hurt. It’s a beautiful city with a mellow energy, and buying a house there is a goal that I am striving to achieve. While my little girl and I were walking along the shore, she told me all the things she loved about the beach and asked several questions about what type of house we would buy and how close it would be to the shore. Would she have a room to herself and would I allow her to ride her bike to school were two questions that made me giggle – for different reasons. Mostly I listened as we walked, in awe of the innocent ways in which her mind works. I was happy that she shared in my desire to move to the quaint beach community and was relieved that there didn’t seem to be any apprehension in her about changing schools. She simply wanted to know what type of space and freedoms she would have.
We went from the beach side of the island to the bay side and decided to browse through the tourist shops in a small plaza near the ferry landing. We entered a gift shop, and I was immediately drawn to a rack of metal wall art with old-school pin-up girls spouting cute sayings. Within minutes, I found myself with an armful of them. I painstakingly dwindled my stack of ten down to three favorites. I purchased the overpriced metal art and as soon as I got home I made wall space in my office to hang them, laughing as I did so at the ridiculousness of the sayings. Later that evening I sat in my office chair and looked around at my new art, and I was displeased with myself. Although I do think they are funny – I do not wish to emulate the sayings or intentionally carry the attitude portrayed in them. Who have I become and how did I get so off-track? That has been a question on my mind since last night. If I’m honest with myself, that question has plagued me for the past several weeks.
Being the deep thinking, over analyzer that I am, I have broken down the reasons that I am where I currently am, emotionally. Why I am in a space that causes me to treat those closest to me in less than loving ways and why do I feel unhappy much of the time when I have every reason to be overflowing with happiness. It rests on my shoulders alone. I took myself to this space; I allowed myself to get stuck in this rut. I am the power behind my state of mind. Every day I have a choice and for too many days now I haven’t made the most positive or productive of choices.
Let’s go back to where we started – change. I have gone through a lot of that this year. I will give you the short version – for the long version, feel free to read past blog posts. January I walked out of a long-time career and gave myself seven months off. Seven months to get a grip on my writing career. Seven months without a paycheck. Seven months of heavenly time freedom. Seven months that I do not regret. But learning to live on a smaller, fixed budget was difficult and scary as hell. March I got engaged, something I thought I would never do again. Giving up my freedom and preparing to join lives, time and space with another adult isn’t something I thought all the way through when I said yes. But, he is a great guy and the ring is beautiful, and we aren’t meant to go through life alone. Then came the decision of where do we live – your place or mine? Well, since we both came into this with eight-year-old daughters, and his place was twice the size of mine, the decision kind of made itself. In June, I moved forty miles away from my community and my family. I changed my daughter’s school, and we attempted to integrate two families. Teaching the kids and the dogs how to coexist peacefully was much easier than teaching the two adults involved how to share space and time peacefully – we are still working on that part. I think we are learning how to do it in a more mature manner than those first few weeks, but we have a way to go. Another important note here is that as a writer, moving my space – that area where I used to write in – my creative physical space – to a whole new space was and is, hard. I am starting to bond with my new space, but I find myself easily distracted, and focus doesn’t come nearly as effortlessly as it did in my old writing space.
Also during this time I wrote and published my first novel and began writing my second and third novels. I recently changed editors and cover design artists and hired a wonderful woman to run the marketing end of the business. Those were difficult changes too. Baring your soul to a new editor and trusting a new cover designer – well, both are growth opportunities for me. Similarly, trusting someone else to control the marketing decisions with my novels and my author name was a big jump for me. Letting go of control gracefully is an area that I will never perfect.
This summer brought additional challenges with it. Right before the move was to take place, my oldest son moved back home and my middle child came home from college for the summer – in the same week. It was nice to have the extra help while moving, but it added more to the whole integration of households. During this time, I was also at the mid stages of writing Second Sight and the early stages of the interview process with my subjects for After. July was right around the corner, and I knew July was my go-back-to-a-day-job month.
So, change was abundant and sleep was not. My stress rose to a level I didn’t know how to manage and many important habits in my life stopped happening. Two of the biggest were my daily ritual of practicing motivational techniques and living an ultra-healthy lifestyle. I began eating like crap and quit working out consistently. The positive outlook that was so common for me to have turned dark and negative. Like a ball rolling downhill, negativity grew quickly until it was going so fast and effortlessly that it became my norm. I was tired, cranky and just plain unhappy. I started feeling the affects physically as well. Old pains that I had gotten a handle on with proper nutrition and exercise reappeared, and I was at the end of my rope in every possible way. I was miserable and typically when we get to that point is when we stop and say, “What the hell is going on with me?” That is what I finally did last night. It was long overdue and had been a top of mind priority before last night. Thinking about something and acting on it are two entirely different things.
Putting a plan in place is something (fortunately) that comes easy for me. Once I make a decision, write it down and put a plan to make it happen in place, I can stick to it. My last blog post was about turning a dream into a goal, and I did that – I have my working goals up where I can see them every single day, and I will reevaluate them on a weekly/monthly/semi-annually basis. I made the decision to get back to taking my health seriously. I put together a new workout and nutrition plan, and I have it written on my goal board. My August goals are to go one hundred percent on nutrition – no sugar, no processed, eating on a schedule and planning out my meals each week. Lose two percent body fat. Twelve miles of running each week with the goal of getting my mile time down to sub nine. My combo work out five days a week and weight training three days a week. I know from experience and past successes when it comes to body and health goals that you are who you’re around and having like-minded people in your tribe is key. So, my fiancé and I had a serious talk about the importance of both of us committing one hundred percent to the plan. You are as weak as your weakest link and living under the same roof with someone of a different mindset when it comes to nutrition and workouts doesn’t work. I feel relieved that he and I are back on the same page. We had a great run this morning and our meals for the coming week are lined up and ready to go.
Back to writing…with my time now split between two careers it was important for me to schedule creative time. My writing career comes at a heavy price, and it isn’t only me who has to pay that price. The time I spend writing takes away from all of my relationships. Time to write fiction is something that can’t always be scheduled because as every writer knows, you have to write when you are in that space. Writing on a schedule doesn’t always work. I am trying to make sure I write at the same time each day and playing around with the times; figuring out what times will work best for me. If I can’t produce fresh copy during those times, I do research or edit existing copy. New habits are hard to form, but I am confident that if I stick to it, I will find my groove again. I also decided to schedule family time, even if it’s minimal right at this moment. A few quality hours here and there make everyone feel better. The last thing I want to do is loose my family to produce novels. That isn’t a price I am willing to pay for a book with my name on the front cover.
What did I discover about myself over the past seven months? I suck at change – even worse than I previously thought. I have people in my life that are supportive in ways that go far beyond what should be expected, and I neglected those people. I also discovered that I have more power than I think I do. I have the power to change the direction and flavor of my attitude, how I feel about myself and how I make others feel. I am stronger than I realize, and I survived. I survived change. I didn’t die; I didn’t even suffer a flesh wound. I did leave some wreckage in the wake of the past few months, but I didn’t permanently break anything. I made it to the other side.
I also discovered that writing is so much more important to me that I thought it was. The balancing act and figuring out how to make it all work, and the hard work involved is all worth it. I love writing. I love talking to people who read my books – fans and critics. I love the road I’m on – I am excited for what is ahead and I am confident that one way, or another – I will pull it all off. Perhaps less than gracefully but it will happen…and you can have that in writing.
-RJ
