SEX/SOAP’s first chapter and August Astrology by Stuart Hazleton
I’ve authored two books and was a Cosmopolitan columnist for five years.
Here’s the first chapter of my erotic book, SEX/SOAP,
all about best buds, bed-hopping and backstabbing, set in the
high pressure industries of movie-making and beauty mag publishing.
After the chapter, check out your August astrology forecast
below my pic: I like being on top. ;-)
Stuart Hazleton’s SEX/SOAP
2013
Prologue:
Paige
May
Oklahoma City
The Tornado
Lunch was awkward, there was no way around that, though I had to admit Kirsten looked fucking fantastic: Being head honcho at Tempo obviously agreed with her. Her Latina skin was perfect and her trademark dark hair, streaked with red, still gorgeous. All this in addition to the facts that she looked 35 instead of 46, and, somehow-or-another her boobs even seemed bigger. A boob job I didn’t know about perhaps? It all irritated me a bit: She looked younger than me. Meanwhile, Kirsten kept the conversation safe and dull: What movie was I working on? What was Angelina Jolie really like? Were my paychecks really as high as People magazine reported?
“They haven’t even run that story yet,” I pointed out over the calamari, salad and drinks between us. “How would you—“
But of course, then I remembered how she’d know before anyone else did: The publishing world is even smaller than the movie biz. News doesn’t just travel fast anymore: It’s instantaneous.
I noticed the restaurant had almost cleared which made no sense since it was the middle of lunch hour. Then, our waiter appeared, a scared look on his face.
“Bad news, ladies: The tornado watch is now a tornado warning,” he said, surprising me with the information and making me wonder why the hell I’d ever come back here: I’d already been here a few months ago for the funeral. Visiting Oklahoma once a decade was too much for me; twice in one year was akin to torture.
“Multiple vortexes are touching down,” our waiter continued. “and headed this way. It looks pretty bad—maybe a May 19th type situation, so, your dinner’s comped from management. We need to clear out of here ASAP.”
Kirsten smiled, making me wonder if she was happy the waiter had given us an excuse to end our lunch earlier than planned: She hadn’t seemed very comfortable.
“Welcome back to Oklahoma for both of us, I guess,” she said, leaving a twenty on the table as a tip. Not to be outdone, I immediately followed suit, though I left forty.
It had been decades since I’d lived in Oklahoma but I knew better than to ignore the waiter’s warning, as did Kirsten, who was already moving. We walked, then, ran for the restaurant’s exit and, when we got outside, the sky had that strange orange color it gets just before shit hits the fan.
“Fuck,” Kirsten said, and for a moment, the salty language made me painfully realize just how much I’d missed her. “You’d think they could have mentioned some of this before. My stupid I-Phone’s still set for New York.”
“I’m sure it’s been all over the news. I shouldn’t have turned off my Galaxy,” I said, grabbing the phone from my purse as I powered it back up. “But I wanted to make sure we weren’t interrupted. It’s… it’s been a long time and I know we’re working stuff out but, well…I really wanted to figure out a way to make things right—to make amends, I guess.”
My phone began to ping with weather alerts, and, minutes later, we were in Kirsten’s stepfather’s, decked-out Lamborghini, moving quickly down I-35, as the weatherman screamed instructions over the radio and I furiously tapped on my Galaxy S4 for info. Hearing a booming, train sound I was familiar with from childhood, I looked around and that’s when I saw the first funnel appear behind us: It looked like to be a mile wide—just as the man had explained on the air waves.
“Kirsten,” I said, motioning at the cyclone, more scared than I’d ever been except for that one, awful moment in my life: Money, success and an Academy Award nomination couldn’t save me from what was headed straight for us.
“Holy shit,” Kirsten said, staring at it in the rear-view mirror. “There’s no way we’re going to make it to Crystal Lakes. No fucking way. We need shelter now.”
“Then how?” I yelled, cars zipping past us on the highway as if we were standing still. “Why the fuck did we turn off our phones?! Is there a Y.M.C.A. nearby? A school with a cellar? Anything?”
Kirsten whipped the vehicle we were in from the highway onto the N.W. 23rd exit and that’s when I realized where she was going.
“Oh no,” I said. “Absolutely not. There’s no fucking way in hell we’re going to his place. I’m not kidding, Kirsten. NO. FUCKING. WAY.”
“Paige,” Kirsten said, turning toward me. “Look at that mother-fucker headed for us. There are supposedly four on the ground right now. Do you get it, sweetie? Four. Tornadoes. NOW…So, you’ve got two choices. We go see Roman and your brother or you die. Which do you want to do?”
Minutes later, I noted a basic-brick, moderately upscale, urban-house that we ran past, as leaves, twigs—and now branches—blew past us. Banging on the shelter door in the backyard, I knew my brother and his husband would assume the people knocking were neighbors. From my brother’s shocked expression when he opened the door, my suspicions were confirmed.
“It’s great to see you too, Sandler,” I said, sarcastically before he finally—guiltily—reached out to give me a hug.
“Oh, one more thing!” Kirsten screamed from behind me as I saw stairs behind my brother that led deep into an underground, cement shelter. I could tell Kirsten was enjoying the fact I was having to see so many unexpected faces. “Mom’s here too—came with me from New York to see the guys and Wes.”
As I was making my way down the stairs I could already see Kirsten’s gorgeous mother, Nomi. Hurt, I spoke quickly to her as we hugged.
“You weren’t even going to tell me you were in town while I was here?” I whispered, hoarsely.
“I’m only here for a few days, Paige,” Nomi said quickly, her signature gray hair still perfectly groomed—her body still that of a thirty year old, even though she must be in her late sixties. “I saw you just the other day, sweetheart, and I haven’t seen the boys since the funeral—that and the fact that I still, somehow, keep missing that handbook on how to deal with estranged families. You kids need to find me a copy so I can see what Miss Manners recommends I do with people who can’t be civil to each other.”
Nomi made a slight grimace and as if on cue, as Kirsten made her way down the cellar stairs and my brother locked up behind her, I heard Roman before I saw him. I winced, prepping myself for his bitchiness. I’d beat him to it, I decided, so I turned, saying:
“Roman. It hasn’t been long enough. If this hadn’t been a life or death situation you can trust I never would have come here. Trust me when I say that this is all quite a surprise.”
I was glad I’d gotten my line out before I fully took in Roman’s changed appearance. The older, sorta-overweight Roman I’d gotten used to had been replaced by a different model—the one from our youths. Clearly lifting weights again, his pecs poked out at me through the loose T-shirt he wore and he had done something to his face to look much, much younger: If Kirsten looked five years younger than me, the horrible man standing before me now looked at least ten. It was my turn to grimace. I steeled myself for his reply and it didn’t disappoint.
“Not too much of a surprise,” Roman said, taking a step toward me in a threatening way. “A tornado’s coming, so, it just makes sense some witch would show up too—but how the hell do I get to drop a house on you in here?”
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Stuart Hazleton’s August Astrology:
Summer’s Not the Only Thing Getting Hot
ARIES: DON’T BE A DICK
Friend Forecast: Pissy Pluto has you wanting to bully one of your quieter allies around the 11th (think of that caring Cancer or cautious Pisces in your life). Do this at your own peril, ram: Being nasty might leave you feeling momentarily powerful but it will also equal one less ally.
Sex-Scope: Tender-hearted Venus has you yearning for sweet stuff like flowers and candy after the 22nd. Flip this scenario by giving your other–or crush–a cool gift. Doing so will lead to better–and BIGGER–things! :-)
TAURUS: KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN
Friend Forecast: An important new potential friendship occurs, before the 8th, with asteroid Chiron pulling strings. Look for a calculating new sign who has entered your life (probably a Capricorn, Gemini or Virgo) and invite this new potential bud to lunch ASAP: He or she will help you focus on small details in everything from the bedroom to the boardroom.
Sex-Scope: Mastermind Mars makes the 15th and 16th a time for balls-to-the-wall bed banging. From barking out carnal commands to living out your own version of 50 Shades of Gray, do whatever makes you feel forceful–and since you’ll be hornier than a rhino, if you’re single, make sure condoms are part of this sexy scenario.
GEMINI: PLAY GAMES
Friend Forecast: Empathetic Uranus gives much needed understanding when a friend comes to you with an important, unresolved issue on the 7th. Be guardian to his/her galaxy by using this period of insight wisely, sign-o’-the-twins: Helping your friend will end up improving your own situation as well.
Sex-Scope: Mental Mercury makes sex-games the rule from the 18th on. Break out blindfolds, hand-cuffs, or that sexy cheerleader/basketball player uniform you saved from your high school/college days: Trust me, Gem: You won’t be dropping this ball!
CANCER: TEAM UP
Friend Forecast: Brilliant Mercury has you joining forces with two uber-smart co-workers before the 18th to solve a problem your boss has (look for that level-headed Libra, sassy Scorpio or goal-oriented Capricorn). If you and your buds can get this dilemma done away with, count on a cash bonus–or better yet, a permanent raise.
Sex-Scope: Slow-and-easy Venus has you wanting to receive–not give–on the 26th. Whether you’re aiming for oral or just the missionary position, lay back and let your other half–or carnal crush–take these raunchy reigns: Trust me, Crabby: This is one ride you’ll REALLY enjoy!
LEO: WATCH YOUR BACK
Friend Forecast: Consider calling in sick on the 4th, when vengeful Mars has a coworker gunning to gut your goals. Luckily this phase won’t last much longer than Vanilla Ice’s career, so, by the 5th, you’ll be ready to head back into the corporate world.
Sex-Scope: Naughty Neptune has you in the mood to spank your partner-in-crime on the 21st and 22nd. If your other is up for this (signs likely to go along with this butt-banging include Cancer, Libra and Pisces) then get going–but if you’re with a more aggressive type like Aries or Capricorn, count on exchanging spanks instead of just giving ‘em.
VIRGO: PRACTICE YOUR POKER FACE
Friend Forecast: When a buddy approaches you with shocking news on the 6th, courtesy of ever-surprising Uranus, be careful to keep your expression absolutely neutral. Admit it, Mr., or Mrs., Innocence: You’ve had some odd adventures of your own–even if you do tend to keep them to yourself. Once you’ve worked through your embarrassment, let your ally know that everyone engages in odd behavior occasionally–then, once you’re done with that, go home and giggle–after you’re safely ensconced in your own room.
Sex-Scope: On the 31st, with sexy Saturn influencing amour, you’ll want to take your relationship to a new level. Before doing so, earth sign, make sure you’re really ready for monogamy or marriage–it’s a big step you need to think through before discussing it with your other or crush.
LIBRA: GET EXCESSIVE
Friend Forecast: Sensitive Venus has you way too conscious of your allies’ opinions from the 28th on. Realize your friends are just that–and that over-analyzing comments–and even compliments–will lead to pointless heartache and misunderstandings.
Sex-Scope: Pile-driving Pluto has you aiming for as many O’s as possible on the 12th. Give in to this healthy desire by staying in bed all day with your other–or temporary bed buddy–to see just how many times your champagne bottle can pop within a 24 hour period.
CAPRICORN: OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SAY, “AAAAAHHHHHH…”
Friend Forecast: Snooty Venus has you all about yourself on the 24th. While you’ll be thinking you’re the shit, if you blow your horn TOO much, your buds will just think you’re apiece of shit, so go the humble route through this volatile burst of va-voom.
Sex-Scope: If you want fun bed play on the 23rd aim for head play, courtesy of carnal Chiron. Yup, you’ll be all about oral presentations, but trust me, earth sign: This isn’t the kind of stuff you’d be safe presenting at work–unless you’re banging a business bud behind locked doors.
SCORPIO: KEEP YOUR STINGER STOWED
Friend Forecast: When an ex-friend tries to re-enter your world around the 13th, courtesy of kind-hearted Venus, weigh your options carefully: Odds are way higher than Lindsay Lohan that this ex-ally of your would serve you better as a true friend–but make sure you work out your earlier argument before re-bonding.
Sex-Scope: Dangerous Mars has you ready to wreak vengeance on an ex around the 30th. Whatever you have in mind, scorpion, keep your stinger in place for someone more important: If you stab this ex in the back expect MAJOR escalation sooner than you think.
SAGITTARIUS: BREAK THE RULES
Friend Forecast: Tough guy Mars exposes a frenemy around the 17th. Instead of flipping out on this back-stabber, just avoid her/him: Engaging this dickhead could result in WAY more carnage than a Friday the 13th flick.
Sex-Scope: Experimental Uranus has you wanting to get wild and wicked on the 12th. Whether you’re considering a three-way or something even more over-the-top, make sure you communicate your carnal desires with your other half first: Sometimes fantasies are better left as just that–but sometimes giving in to desire can be TOTALLY delicious!
AQUARIUS: GET YOUR MILF–OR DILF–ON
Friend Forecast: Mercury confuses communication from the 11th through the 14th, creating the potential for major conflict with coworkers and close buds. Watch your tongue during this period, Aquaman (or woman!) and if all else fails, keep your lips zipped.
Sex-Scope: Asteroid Juno has you wanting to play a maternal/paternal figure in the bedroom until the 16th. Giving into this motherly/fatherly vibe may work well if you’re partnered with naturally nurturing types like Cancer or Taurus but if you go too far with tougher types, like Aries or Sagittarius, you’ll be trading a sick scene for an ick scene.
PISCES: SWIM UPSTREAM
Friend Forecast: Giant Jupiter sends a big bud to help you K. O. a dreaded enemy on the 18th, and, by big, I’m talking one of your taller, stronger associates. Use the buttressing from this all important ally to knock your nemesis to the curb–after that, avoid this enemy and all should turn out well.
Sex-Scope: Sassy Mercury turns wordplay into a passion pumper on the 26th. Do I mean talking like a trucker? Think again, fishy: What I’m saying is to outline your amorous adventures in ultra-erotic DETAIL before enacting them with a sext/text–or in person–before your bed-bang begins.
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