Inanimate Objects and Their Human Equivalents

Amelia initiated a unilaterally viral sensation last March when in her first “Amelia Post” Etiquette story, she coined the concept of a human backpack. What she’d originally meant to illustrate was the kind of person who stands so close behind you in line for, let’s say, the movies, he or she is practically koala-ing on your back, thus creating the illusion of a human backpack.

I took the term to mean someone who is relentlessly stuck on your ass and won’t leave you until you forcibly remove said person from said ass. We discussed the variations and thus, the concept of the Human Equivalent of Things was born. It spawned an entirely new way of describing the character traits of both people we love and people we hate. So today, in honor of it being Wednesday, we bring you an index of human-animate objects, mechanisms and functional devices so that the next time you want to make yourself heard about the behaviors of your peers, you can do it with pungent but pleasant words.

Human Toilet – We encourage you to use your imagination here. Actually, it’s more fun to type out: a human toilet is someone who gets shit on. It could also, however, theoretically refer to someone who gets “a ton of ass.” It’s all about context.

Human Diaper  - The mistress (or male equivalent), as opposed to the wife/girlfriend or husband/boyfriend. The Human Diaper — like the Human Toilet — ends up getting the shit end of the stick. He/she also ends up being disposable. But beware, because it’s like they say: there’s nothing as scary as a mistress scorned…save for, of course, a dirty diaper that’s been forgotten about all day.

Human Ladder – He or she who is social-climbed on, like an upwardly-mobile version of the floor mat.

Human Subway - Someone with a bladder problem because they’re always stopping. Note: a human subway could also be a mom on a cruise during formal dinner night because she is – per her girlfriends – “pulling out all the stops.”

Human Garden Gnome – Someone who is kind of short but also really, really unfriendly. If not unfriendly, then stoic and always watching.

Human Treasury Bond - A really nice husband.

Human Coffee - That friend who makes you crazy hyper when you were just starting to calm down and do your work. It is also an amateur tap dancer who physically cannot stop practicing pinwheels because the clicky-shoe-noises are too addicting.

Human Prius – Someone who tries to act down to earth but frankly speaking, isn’t fooling anyone.

Human Credit Card Machine – A prostitute.

Human Square (as in, the app) – A prostitute who lives in San Francisco.

Human Brita – Someone who thinks carefully before they speak.

Human Faucet – Someone who won’t shut the F up – the opposite of a Human Brita.

Human Sriracha - A very popular person. He or she is so popular, in fact, that others are scared to say they dislike this person for fear of ending friendships or being kicked out of the Sunday night dinner club.

Human Designer Handbag – This is your “going out friend” – you probably wouldn’t call her if you were crying. Instead, you’d call your far more reliable and durable human tote bag.

Human Bag of Lays Potato Chips – Someone who appears to be really smart (as in, full) but when cracked open (spoken to) he or she actually presents the reality that he/she is a half-empty bag of potatoes with “just three ingredients.”

Human Table Gum - That person in your group of friends who kind of grosses everyone out, but like it or not, they’re ride-or-die-stuck with you.

Human Seesaw – A woman on her period or a man with serious mood swings.

Human Gluten – The person who suddenly can’t seem to catch a break.

Human Comments Section – Actually this is you guys. Your turn. Add your human equivalent of X.

Human ladder photoshopped by Krista Anna Lewis, ladder composed of girls from Jonathan Saunders pre-fall 2014.