A SOCIOPATH’S GUIDE TO FIRST AID

VEGE-GOGGLES Straight Red’s Absolutely Hetero Guid...

A SOCIOPATH’S GUIDE TO FIRST AID

We’ve all been there: you’re walking down the street, shouting at children and generally minding your own business, when you stumble upon some inconsiderate layabout lying in the street, selfishly spilling their filthy blood all over the pavement.

“Look at me, look at me, I’m wearing an orange jacket!” Arsehole.

Normally I would simply ignore such rudeness, but I have recently been informed that stepping over someone “in need of medical assistance” and taking their wallet as an inconveniency payment can get one into trouble with the law.

The times we live in!

So in order to help my fellow man, here is

A Sociopath’s Guide to First Aid

STEP ONE: ASSESS SOCIAL WORTH

An accident can happen to anyone: rich or poor, handsome or ugly, old or young – which is why it is especially important to note all the social clues from the unconscious person in front of you. Do they have a gold watch or other expensive jewelry? Does it look as though they visit the dentist regularly? Are they wearing an Armani suit, or a dress made from old plastic bags?

Remember the three ‘A’s:

ASSESS, then

ASSIST, or

AH, THEY LOOK LIKE THEY REGULARLY EAT AT MCDONALD’S, I’LL JUST LEAVE THEM SOME COUGH SWEETS AND BE ON MY WAY

STEP TWO: ATTEMPT TO WAKE THE PERSON

Perhaps they aren’t injured at all, but are simply having a floor rest in the middle of a crowded shopping mall? First we need to try and wake them. Remember, waking a sleeping person can be extremely dangerous, so make sure to use the tip of your boot, or better yet, a stick or cane of some kind. This is easily remembered with the following child-like rhyme:

Does the man on the ground look sick?

Try to wake them – kick or stick!

Should the person angrily wake during this procedure and thus present themselves as a physical threat, you are legally entitled to use your taser and/or pepper spray. Otherwise, continue to the next step.

STEP THREE: YOGA

Yoga is an important step toward bodily awareness and middle-class spiritual enlightenment. It is also extremely good for your health! Perhaps the person lying before you with blood oozing from their leg simply hasn’t been doing enough yoga?

First, place your hands on their hips, then pull them up into a ‘downward dog’

Second, work your way through every yoga position, until the person seems healthy and spiritually ‘warm’

STEP FOUR: PANIC

Did the yoga not help? Oh god, then nothing will help! Can the family sue you? Their neck certainly bent at an odd angle when you tried to put them into the ‘uttanasa’ position, but their chakras seemed perfectly aligned! Oh Jesus, is that a policeman?

HIDE THE EVIDENCE

STEP FIVE: HIDE THE EVIDENCE

REMEMBER THE EIGHT ‘C’s:

Cry a little bit.

Cover the person with a sheet.

Concentrate on something else, maybe something funny.

Call ‘hello’ to any passers-by, in as friendly and natural a manner as possible.

Crime. What you are doing is a crime.

Could that police officer suspect something?

Carry a firearm. Always carry a firearm.

Cleanse the room of witnesses.