Horoscopes > Telescopes

Ok you sunnyside up eggs, we went 6 whole days into August sans ‘scopes (which means you’ve likely been paralyzed by fear of the unknown for an entire week), but rest easy now because Susan Thriller is back doing exactly what she does best: MOONWALKING.

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Happy birthday to you, Leo-nardo da Vincis of the sky. If you’re reading this on August 7th, then guess who you share a womb-exit day with? Carl Switzer. Who’s that? Alfalfa. Which is fitting because he, like your sign and its lion-y mane, was known for his hair. Cool! Suzanne the Lion Tamer wrote that “a darling Leo friend” of hers asked, “Do I turn into a pumpkin on August 11, 2015 next year when Jupiter exits Leo?”

“No, no, that will not happen,” she replied. Just in case you have Apocolocynposis.

Download the Kim Kardashian app on August 10th because that’s apparently a great time for you to collaborate with stylists, agents, publicists etc. On August 25th, “Venus in Leo receives a brilliant vibration from Uranus in Aries from your ninth house of long distance travel,” so don’t ignore that tingling sensation in your butt or call your doctor because if it — it’s just nature’s way of telling you to take a vacation! And if you’re Snookin’ for love, the 16th is your day. PS, if your cake is Funfetti, save me a slice. 

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You Virgo, Glen Coco. This month is about getting rid of your bad habits. Like hoarding, for one. And clipping your toe nails in public, for another. Clean your closets, sell your brother, and do an emotional juice cleanse but feel free to keep eating pie. In moderation. August 10th may bring news about health, but August 10th is also a Sunday so maybe you’re just going to be hungover. ON MONEY! Because this month it is going to rain sunshine and cash on your a$$.

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Nothing’s better than getting home and taking your Li-bra off, am I right? But you really should feel free to kick back and relax in your full commando glory, because your sign is hanging out with Jupiter this month. Suz says, “Jupiter truly is that fairy-tale house where you can see one wish come through to you in the coming year. Jupiter is the planet of happiness, expansion, goodness, and even miracles, so you have every reason to feel you do have reason for hope.” Maybe put the bra back on for tomorrow, though, because the 8th is hook up city / lover lane central. It’s a romantic day, but aren’t summer Fridays always romantic? A week later (Aug 16-18) Jupiter’s gonna text Venus and be like, “Hey girl, know we haven’t talked in a year, but I was thinking, wanna reconnect and give Libra a shit ton of luck?” Venus may wait an hour to write back to seem cool, but you know she’s gonna write back: “Yes.”

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Scorpi-heyyyy-ooo,  heyyyy-ooo. Did you just feel like you were waving your arms in the ayer like you just don’t cayer for a moment right then? Great. So there’s a Strong new moon in Leo which means great things because it is “the new best, most glittering new moon of the year,” you happy little pinching and sand demons. If you’re thinking about switching jobs — maybe you don’t want to pinch/sting and potentially kill people walking in exotic deserts while barefooted even though it’s technically their fault for not taking the careful precautions! — start planting the seed now. August 18 will be a big ol day for you in this regard especially, because “a middleman, such as a job broker or headhunter,” might be at your service. Make an effort to be social at the end of August, but like, consider that you may have to take a pee test for this new job on your horizon. No judgements JUST SAYING!!!

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Sagit-Darius Rucker and your remake of “Wagon Wheel,” get on your own bandwagon and travel this month! Go wherever your cute little heart desires right after you make sense of that strange, strange sentence I just wrote. If you’re getting ready to go back to college, as Professor Suz just pointed out, just know that you’ll really kill it when presenting any dioramas or paper mache volcanoes. She mentioned defending your thesis, technically, but who does that at the start of a semester? An eager beaver, that’s who. Not you. Whatever! This month is about taking opportunities for you. And tomorrow, Friday the 8th, Uranus is gonna all up in your house of true love. (That’s what she said! But actually, because Susan Miller said it).

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Toot your own Capricorn, because this is gonna be a good month. “So much of the hard work you have done over the past years is about to pay off financially in coming months, especially in August,” writes Suz. You’re going to make money, AND, with the new moon in Leo which is “the sign of royalty” (which, speaking of signs, is yet another sign that Susan favors Leos but WHATEVER), you are going to enjoy the feeling of luxury, baby. Maybe you will be invited to P.Diddy’s white party. Maybe you will be pulled on stage at a Bruno Mars concert. Maybe you will get one of those strange Silicon Valley manservants and he will feed you grapes covered in gold. Maybe. In other Suz, August 15th is going to be a very nice day. And on August 26th — go have a barbecue, you crazy kid. You deserve it. I’ll have a hot dog.

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Oh you sweet, harmonious Acca-quarius. Whatever you do, do not click here. Or here. Or here. I know you clicked so I hope you’re happy. You should learn to exercise restraint though, if you’re going to make Susan/the planet’s predictions come true. OH NOW you’d like to know? Fine. Well, this month you’re going to be doing the following: “growing your influence and power, perfecting your skills, and finding ways to increase business and your income.” Well don’t you just sound like the modern gardener. No. I have not had a drink yet today. Mars is in your tenth house of fame and honors (no clue) but that sounds like you’re going to win an award to me! Truly interesting to note: I believe you are the only sign Susan Miller does NOT want to travel. (If you do, keep it short.) Maybe she wants to hang out or something. Actually she definitely does, because she not-so-subtly hints: “If a friend wants you to meet someone new, don’t say no!” So Aquarius, meet Susan. Susan, meet Aquarius. Have fun hanging out without me, assholes

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Damn girl, break me off a Pisces of that. Susan wrote: “Pisces began seeing their finances gyrating starting in December of last year, but in ways you may not have expected.” Well no shit, because if my “finances” were doing the type of dance that I associate with inappropriate dancing and/or the Disco era, I’m not going to say I was concerned but yea, it wouldn’t have been what I “expected.” Her point: more money is going to come in. Now listen. Susan brings up weight loss this month. She does it gently, something along the lines of, “If you want to loose weight this month…” which is fine, health is important, but does she not understand that June and July are about getting in shape for August because you forgot to do it during April and May, and that August is all about YOLOing eating lobster rolls as appetizers before your lunch? She also says she has a “magical feeling” that you’ll be invited to a party on August 23, 24, or 25, which sounds like the one she’s trying to throw at a Gemini’s house when they/me/the rest of us leave town per her urging. It’s really just you and the Aquariuses that she’s inviting so whatever, so long and thanks for all the fish. 

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Cute underweAries, Jan! If it wasn’t gross to share, I’d ask to borrow them. “Mars will be in exact degree of friendliness to send a shimmering beam to Jupiter in Leo,” nonsensically wrote Susan or perhaps my eyes are just falling out of my brain. “Mars will also be in fine angle to Uranus in Aries. A golden triangle will appear in the heavens, so although news may initially be surprising, you can make things work in your favor.” THINGS. Let’s allow this to be vague because I think I did that thing where I read but didn’t absorb information and don’t feel like going back. Besides, all anyone reads their horoscopes for is to get the dirt on their own love life, right? Well guess what. A new moon lit the fire of passion at the end of July in that kitten sign called Leo, so your house of romance and fun is just one big firework ready to go off before Labor day. Be open to someone who doesn’t necessarily adhere to your typical “type,” however. This is fantastic advise for anyone with a tendency towards sociopaths and cartoon characters!

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Taurus, no clever name jokes for you guys. Not this month. Not with this brain. “Grab your skateboard, dear Taurus,” said Susan who clearly is confused about our preferred form of both transportation and recreational hobby. “You may have assumed not much happens in August, but if so, think twice! This won’t be a sleepy, lazy little month, but one packed with lots of action. You won’t have a moment to spare!” Guys, we’re gonna be busy. If you’re trying to sell a condo in Boca, you’re in luck. If you’re looking for a deal at Ikea? Also in luck. We’re gonna make that $, possibly become a reality television star, and, if we’re focused, maybe we’ll design an app. August 25th will “spark new love and relationships” so schedule your waxes ahead of time, people. You do not want to be rocking your in-between-phase during the sparkliest day of Augustian romance! I’ll give you my girl’s number if yours is booked.

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Gemin-hiii, what’s up? Suz recommends that you, like everyone else this month, travel. Get the hell out of town. Take a tan. Take a taxi. Honestly, she’s recommended that so many of us travel this month that I, for one, am getting a little concerned that she’s trying to throw a house party. The weekend of August 16-17 sounds like you might have a little summer fling if you know what I mean, and then on a less fun but still important level, any work project you have to do this month is gonna kill it in the positive sense and not the murderous sense. Also, “Jupiter, the great planet of good fortune, is in now circulating in your solar third house of writing, speaking, editing, fact checking.” If you work at New York Magazine, you’re probably like, “Cool!” It’s also a good month to get a pet. Moo.

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Hold me closer, tiny Cancer. Susan talked way too much about money for you. You’re going to make it! You’re going to be annoyed by it but then find resolutions! Then comes more money! At first I was like, “Great, these Cancers are going to love me because I am going to tell them alll about how they are going to get rich,” but then I was like, “Susan. It is not polite to talk about money at the dinner table and I know it’s early but I’m already getting hungry again and a little bored so this has to, has to end.” It didn’t really end. She did, however, say you may see your sibling this month, so that may be less than thrilling. OR it may be super thrilling! I don’t know, I don’t have a sibling and I don’t know your life. August 15 will be a great day for love and matters involving pregnancy, though, so maybe you’ll give birth to your twin and wind up on TLC. I don’t write the rules you guys, I just summarize them.

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Major shout out to our intern Franny Keller for reading every single Susan Miller horoscope out loud to me  in a mid-Atlantic accent so that I didn’t have to read ALL of your War-And-Peace-length predictions this month! If it weren’t for her, I would have just posted a gif of a slug drinking from a coconut. 

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej