From The Dark Into The Light

This is a piece I posted on my old blog, it’s an early piece of poetry that I was going to rewrite but as I read through it I realised that although it doesn’t rhyme it was perfect more or less perfect. I have made some changes, of course I was going to after all as a writer and poet I have evolved so much and now I know it is perfect.

It’s not my usual subject, in fact it’s quite personal but if one person reads and knows they are not alone then opening myself up again will be worth it.

Anyhow I’ll leave you to read,

Much love,

S.J xxx

You arrived

Late but you were here

Should have been

A joyous occasion

Instead was filled

With trepidation

Taken from me

So weak you see

So tiny, so sick

I was left

Alone to panic

While they worked on you

Finally taken to see you there

Lying there in intensive care

Funny to me you were tiny

And yet the biggest there

Tubes and wires seeming to come from everywhere

Making me so scared

Alone in my room

Hearing others cry

My heart shattered

As I worried

I was going to

Lose you

Watching you

Day after day

So many tests

Infections and more

Getting better

Before seeing you improve

Finally home

Everyone there

Wanting to love

And fuss

Yet all I wanted

Was to be alone

The days went by

All was good

But then…

A darkness fell

Deep inside

And I didn’t want to know

Didn’t want to hold

Didn’t feel any love

Didn’t know what

Was wrong

Was I evil?

A bad mum even?

I put in a good act

Didn’t talk

Not a soul did I tell

Worried if I did

They would remove

My other babies from my care

Daily life

Was a struggle

Funny I wanted to be alone

Yet I craved visitors

As they would want to hold

And love you

On and on I struggled

The darkness getting stronger

Then I broke

Couldn’t sleep

Wrote a note

Saying goodbye

But I couldn’t do it

So note was hide

Until he asked

What was wrong

And the truth tumbled

From my lips

Tears scalding

As I explained

I didn’t love you

Or even want you

That I thought your life

Would be better without me

I gave him

The note

Watching as

His heart broke

The hurt in his eyes

As he began to realise

Just what I was feeling

What I was going through

We talked

He explained

I wasn’t evil

That it was something I could change

That was when

The change began

With a lot of help

A lot of support

I could see a glimmer

A little hope

It was hard

Good days

And bad

But slowly

I could hold you

Could feel the love

Each day

I got better, got stronger

Then one day

You took your first step

And a miracle happened

My heart filled with love

Now you are the best thing ever

My little man, my ddyn bach

Yes I know I smother

You with love

Guess that’s my way of making

Up for time that I lost

You make me laugh

And smile so very much

Bet you get sick of all the photographs

I feel my heart

Will explode

Just spending time with you

Yes I feel guilty

Maybe I always will

Yes I wish I could

Turn back the clock

But then I wouldn’t want

Our relationship to change

I can’t thank people enough

For being there

For standing by me throughout

My darkest days

Yes I still struggle sometimes

But know I know how to handle the dark

Thank you too

For being you

So loving

So adorable

So forgiving

But mostly for being my little man.

End note – if you have read this and are going through the same thing just know there is hope and some fantastic support out there. You are NOT alone and you are NOT a bad person. Gain strength from my words and find someone to talk to, your partner, a friend, your doctor doesn’t matter who just do NOT go through this alone.

If you think you know someone who is going through this support them, be the shoulder, give them strength but most of all take the time to listen.

Thank you for reading

S.J xxx

Signature