How to Start Doing What You Want to Do

Sometimes, in a coaching session, even my “best” clients lapse in the complaining mode. When that happened recently in a coaching session, I listened fully, empathized with my client and then asked him “Do you mind if I give you a crazy suggestion?  When he gave me the go-ahead, I said, “Great, but first, let’s back up so I can ask you another question. What he had been complaining about was work related, and I asked him, “Why are you working on a project that you say you hate?”

His reply was, “Because I don’t have a choice—I’m the only one who can do this and my boss expects me to do it.” “So,” I responded, “You are doing something you don’t want to do?” “That’s exactly right,” he replied, feeling very understood. “I hate it but I have to do it.” I understood what he meant, but I definitely disagreed with his conclusion. In fact, I don't think we ever do anything we don't want to--even though we might tell ourselves otherwise.  The fact is, if we dig deep enough, we have reasons for wanting to do most of the things we do, all things considered. For instance, I might not (on the surface) want to vacuum my house, but if I really think about it, I do it because I like a clean house.

When you tell yourself you “have” to do something or that you don’t want to do something, you will create internal resistance. After all, who likes to be told they have to do something? We always have a choice—and if we really think about it, we can find the reasons that, all things considered, we actually want to do a lot of we do. If that's so, how should I view the things I don't want to do--at first glance?

It’s much healthier for me to tell myself, “I don’t love doing this, but here are the reasons I am choosing to do it…” Telling myself "I don't want to do this but I have to" is the way of the victim. The other way is the way of empowerment.

-Alan Allard, Career Coach