Ask lunaKM – How To Approach Dommes on FetLife

Dear Annie,

Well my question is quite simple.

Im a submissive cross dresser from the UK, and have been dressing for many years now. One of the main reasons i dress is because I have a very strong submissive side, and many of the fetishes to go along with that.

My question is simple, I have been looking for many years to find a Domme to either explore and learn from, or to serve. And a few years back joined Fetlife, having previously been on Collarme. And the thing is, that I hear time and time again there are very few Dommes, so they probably get a lot of interest from subs. But what I dont understand is, why are they so negative and rude even if you address them politely, introduce yourself and tell them what you would offer in exchange?

I only contact Dommes that have stated on their profile that we share like minded interests, so Im really trying to figure out how anyone is ever able to build up a positive relationship with a Domme on sites like Fetlife.

Regards
Samantha

Dear Samantha,

Finding a female Dominant is not an easy task, as you are right there are far fewer female Dominants than there are male submissives. That means the female Dominants can be very picky with who they respond to and who they care to meet.

There are a few things about your message that I’d like to address. First, FetLife isn’t built to be a successful dating site. It’s a place to socialize. So if you aren’t participating in discussions and joining groups to converse then you won’t get to know anyone well and you won’t present yourself well either.  Let people get to know you passively through your intelligent conversation, sharing viewpoints and having a good time socializing.

Also, no one likes an offer to submit out of the blue even if you do have things in common. You can’t just call up your neighborhood single female and tell them you’d like to be their boyfriend and this is what you can offer in exchange. You’d likely get hung up on. That’s the same here. A resume from someone who isn’t actively expressing the desire to receive them will very likely respond negatively to you. They don’t know you from adam and you only appear to be desperate.

So how do you approach a female Dominant that interests you on FetLife?

 

Thoroughly read their profile. Are they looking for submissives? Does any of their writing say they want potential submissives to contact them?
Don’t write a letter saying you want to submit to them, you don’t know them, they don’t know you. A relationship has to be built first.
Be honest and straightforward, but don’t be pushy. Tell them that you are interested in learning more about them and perhaps getting to know each other better.
Interact with them in groups that you both frequent. Comment on their writing, love their pictures, show a genuine interest in them as a person.
Flirt. It’s always a good thing to feel sexy and desirable.

 

I suggest that you find the local scene near you, go to some events and get to know people.  FetLife is great for finding those sorts of groups and is one of the site’s main purposes. I realize that I always say that and not everyone is ready to take the leap into meeting people face to face, but it sure is easier to do it when you are meeting possible friends than it is meeting a possible date or partner!

If you really do want to use online dating, then use sites that are focused on that purpose, like Alt.com or any of the others that come up in a simple search engine search for “BDSM dating”.  In the least you can keep your personal ads centralized to the personal ad groups (of which there are many) on FetLife.

I do wish you luck,

–lunaKM

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

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