31 Ways to Mess Up Your Marriage – #16 – Failure to Achieve Oneness

31 Ways to Mess Up Your Marriage
#16 Failure to Achieve Oneness

“And the two shall become one … ” Familiar words from Scripture and from the wedding ceremony, but not easily, nor instantly accomplished. I think perhaps one of the saddest things my husband and I have witnessed as we’ve grown older is couples our age who have been married 30, 40, even 50 years who either divorce, or have not achieved oneness and live their latter years as married singles. We were eating lunch with one of our daughters yesterday and commented about how many couples we observe in restaurants, young and old, who never talk during their meal. They eat in silence, pay the waitress and leave. We vowed a long time ago that we would never fall into that pattern.

Oneness must be achieved on three levels: 1. Spiritual. 2. Emotional (Psychological). 3. Physical. (Tweet this!)

1.)  SPIRITUAL - Ideally a couple who feel that God might be bringing them together would seek to know each other spiritually first. Are both partners believers? Not only are they believers, but is each one a growing, maturing, walking-with-Jesus believer? Sadly, this is the last area many couples explore when it should be the first. (Tweet this!) Praying together is one of the most intimate things a couple will do. And I’m not talking about saying grace over a meal. I’m saying praying for daily needs and guidance, for finances, for your relationship and so on. I can’t help but feel that couples who don’t achieve oneness on this level are the ones who many times end up in divorce court.

2.) EMOTIONAL - This area covers much ground, and again takes a lifetime to achieve. After 50 years, although I know my husband pretty well, I am still learning things about him. Probing questions are a great way to learn about each other. We used to keep a book of questions couples can ask each other in the glove compartment of our car, and when on a trip, we would discuss them. I.e. If money and talent were not an issue, what would you like to do/be? What is your least favorite color and why? What do you remember most about your grandmother? What was your favorite Christmas gift as a child? One time I asked my husband, “Is Jesus as real to you as I am?” That led to one of the most profound spiritual experiences of our lives as the Presence of the Lord literally came into the room, a palpable Presence. I cannot explain it, but I know we experienced it. And it came about because we were relating on a spiritual level.

3.) PHYSICAL - If the sexual relationship in marriage is not right, then all the others will be off kilter. (Tweet this!) I know how old-fashioned it sounds to the modern ear to say that the full-blown physical relationship should be saved until after marriage, but that doesn’t make it any less true. The spiritual and emotional components of a relationship should be explored before the physical, but sadly Hollywood has glamorized the sexual relationship as being the most important. Co-habitation is accepted as the norm. We have observed that if the sexual relationship is explored too soon, it is very difficult to develop oneness in the other two areas–not impossible, but difficult.

Achieving oneness is a key in a satisfying, fulfilling marriage. (Tweet this!) And a prize that is worthy of pursuit for the duration of one’s marriage.

What are some ways you pursue these areas of oneness in your own marriage? Which area have you found the hardest to be unified in? Please share stories of success where you feel more unified in an area with your spouse than you used to.

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