Kindness - How Did You Learn to be Kind ?

Emotional Health For Emotional Wealth: The View From A Therapist's Office

"There was no kindness in him" was what my girlfriend said yesterday about my ex-husband. I was shocked. I had not seen it. He was kind to animals and children in distress.

Sadly, I now realise that my professional understanding as a psychotherapist got in my way. I could cope with his lack of empathy for adult suffering because I realised that it came from him being cut off from his own emotional pain. We were both wounded as children and have dealt with the pain in different ways.

I took my marriage vows in church which actually kept me trapped in a bad situation for more years than I would normally have tolerated. I was torn between vows that were meant and my professional knowledge that I was forgiving and tolerating too much and not taking care of my needs sufficiently.

Many years ago I challenged a vicar about domestic violence and marriage within a Christian belief system. His take on it was that the marriage vows were broken and the marriage did no longer exist if the man did not behave in a Christ-like manner. What is your belief system? How does it impact on your relationships?

After a painful divorce and a new relationship and creating a new life I am about to marry a very kind and patient man. Life with him is a real joy and I feel extremely lucky to have found him. As a result of my friend's comment about my ex I asked my fiance how he learned to be kind. His response was from his parents.

Did your parents or another adult in your childhood give you examples of being kind to others? Do you provide a positive role model for the children in your life? Have you ever stopped to think about what you learned as a child and is it how you wish to behave? If not, go to counselling. Behaviour change is possible. As an adult you are responsible for your choices and quality of life.