The Key to Ending Perfectionism, Starting Now

I was having lunch with Jack* discussing a change management project I was coaching him on. He knew I used to be a psychotherapist and he asked, “Can I change the subject?” I said “Yes, of course—what’s on your mind?” Jack told me he had wanted to write a book for the past five years but he kept “getting stalled.” When I asked Jack what that meant, he said “I write a page or two, don’t like it and end up deleting most of it.”

This is what I said to him:

When we say we want to do something and we get stuck, the problem is often perfectionism. It is a way of thinking that becomes a habit and it turns life and work into a series of tests. The test is “Do I measure up? Am I good enough?” Perfectionism makes it difficult to write a book or do anything else. It makes it hard to speak up and be heard (what if I’m wrong?) to set boundaries (what if I’m being selfish?) or to take more risks (what if I fail?)

The cure for perfectionism is simple and hard at the same time: Unconditional self-love. The kind of positive self-regard that says “I love myself no matter what. I may not always love or even like my behavior, but I always love myself—no matter what.” When your self-worth isn’t at stake, you can make a mistake, learn from it and move on. You can write a book no one wants to read and keep writing because you enjoy the thrill of expressing yourself without fear of judgment.

Loving yourself, no matter what, also clears the way for knowing what you truly want in life (not everyone wants to write a book) and it gives you permission to go for it without fearing failure. After all, if you succeed, you’re not going to love yourself more and if you fail, you’re not going to love yourself any less. Loving yourself no matter what is the most powerful thing you can do—for yourself and for others.

Jack was doing what many of us do—he was subconsciously tying his self-worth to how well he could write a book. Instead of loving himself unconditionally and just doing what would bring him joy, he was trying to prove something to himself. Perhaps you do that as well. Why not give yourself what you are looking for first (love and everything that comes from it)and then allow that to inspire everything else you do in life? Practice that and instead of being held back by perfectionism, you will find yourself inspired and unstoppable.

-Alan Allard, Career Coach

*Name changed