What to do if You're "Too Nice"

Roberta was promoted five years ago because of her excellent work and because she was considered a "team player." Now as a manager, her team members describe her as "wicked smart," quick to share credit and they find her management style to be easy-going. They would also point out that Roberta obviously cared about them as people, not just as employees. So far,
so good. However, in our coaching first session, Roberta asked me why I thought she has been passed over for the last two promotions she was considered for.

My reply wasn't what Roberta wanted to hear. I said," Let's talk about what I learned from interviewing your team, your peers and your boss before your coaching began. They all gave you high marks in many important areas, but there was one thing they all suggested you needed to work on. I was consistently hearing that you are just 'too nice.'" Then I explained to Roberta what that meant in behavioral terms.

It meant that Roberta had difficulty saying "No" to requests from her peers, she didn't challenge her team enough and she struggled in holding them accountable. To make matters worse, Roberta hated giving her team or colleagues "negative feedback," something every manager or even team member has to do from time to time. When it came to her boss, Roberta couldn't imagine having a conflict with him, even when she clearly thought he was making a mistake. In short, Roberta suffers from the "Too Nice Syndrome."

If you think you overdo it in the being nice department or know someone who does, here are three tips for you.

Get feedback from trusted sources. Ask trusted colleagues, friends and family members to assess your "Niceness Quotient."  Is it too little, too much or just right? Tell the ones you seek
feedback from that you don't want them to be "nice" in their feedback; you want them to be honest with you. Ask them for examples if they think you're often too nice, let others take advantage of you, go far beyond the "extra mile" or if you just try too hard to please others.

Learn to say "no" and mean it. Start with the small things and work your way up to the bigger things. Get comfortable with declining a social event or an after-work meet-up. Start saying "no" to family members and friends who find it all too easy to ask favors of you. At work, when someone asks you "Do you have a minute?" and you don't, simply say, "You know, I really don't, maybe another time."

Refuse to be responsible for other people's emotions. Will others be frustrated or even a little angry with you when you begin to set boundaries, say what's on your mind or not listen to them complain for the tenth time about the same thing? Yes, they will. Get comfortable with
others not always being comfortable with your assertive-versus overly nice responses to them. That's their problem, not yours.

-Alan Allard, Career Coach
www.alanallard.com