My Top 10 Questions About The Mankini

Ahem, asymmetric man thong.

Apparently this is a fashion term.  Fashion world, really…you couldn’t come up with anything better than this?  Surely, your lack of imagination in the title alone should’ve been an ENORMOUS RED FLAG.  And by “red flag” I IN NO WAY mean any kind of dirty double entendre.  You must NOT think of “just like a waving flag” by Chani, or picture these [flags] waving.  NO.  JUST NO.  Put down the computer and back away slowly.

I mean, good God, why am I writing about this anyway?  Because, everywhere on the internet, everyone is only ten seconds away from looking at a cat video and I’m THAT desperate to keep your attention?  No, actually.  I’m writing about this because I legitimately have questions and I’m appealing to The Oracle the internet to help me.  Because, you know, the Oracle of Delphi isn’t a real thing anymore.  I mean, well it is, you can go there, but–you know what I mean.  I hope.  I digress.

Here is the mankini asymmetric man thong:

Now, I’m as big a fan of naked men as the next guy/girl.  But my understanding was that the whole point of lingerie swimwear was to reveal by concealing.  To enhance.  Which is where all those discussions of modesty come in, and just how appropriate it is to judge a book by it’s cover.  But never fear, mankini-wearing world, no one who sees you in this will ever find you attractive.  If Satan is trying to enter by your thoughts, it won’t be through this portal.  In fact, plastering a few pictures like these on your wall would be a great way of ensuring that you pretty much never had sinful thoughts about the male body ever again.

Which leads me to my questions:

Wait–this is an UNDERWIRE?  The reviews on Amazon (excerpted for you in this Buzzfeed piece) indicate that wearing this contraption correctly involves PRESSING A PIECE OF METAL INTO YOUR GROIN.  WHY?  GOOD GOD, WHY?  And where, exactly, does the metal part that, again according to reviewers, “needs to fit very snugly” GO?
Wait–you need GLUE?  As one reviewer put it, “this product doesn’t fit without glue in your ass crack.”  Er, hardly the Bard’s phraseology but does paint a rather distressing picture.
How does it stay on, without permanently affixing your man part to the side of your leg?
What happens if the wearer gets, er, excited?  Does it pop out?
Why are straight men wearing these, if every gay man I know has the good sense not to?
What happens when it DOES pop out?
Do whatever conventions of modesty associated with wearing this piece require the shaving of one’s visible pubic hair?  I mean, there must be some notion of “covering up;” otherwise why not just go nude?  Nude would surely be more attractive.  But how much reveal is too much?
Wait–one size fits most?  Even women’s bikinis come in sizes.  Out of respect to the fact that, well, women are different sizes.  Some need more fabric than others to achieve the same level of coverage.  Surely this product, too, should have different…ahem, pouch sizes?
If the wearer DOES get excited, does it pop off like a slingshot and hit the object of his affections mid-torso?
What happens if you actually try to go swimming?

Alright, world…did I miss anything?