Taking things personally
Here’s an interesting balancing act. I’ve been working of late on not taking things personally. This is in recognition that there are people in my life who do and say odd things, for various reasons, and where, if I can just shrug and be ok with it, everything works better. I’m not talking about recognising that the world doesn’t revolve around me, but situations where it would be a good deal more obvious to assume intent or infer meaning. I’m interested currently by what happens if I try to avoid reading meaning in, and sometimes that works very well.
And yet, sometimes, and even sometimes with the same people, important things are expressed in understated ways and I very much do need to gently infer. Small clusters of words laden with significance, moments of exchange that seem weighty and then turn out to be… I come to the conclusion that what I really need to be is psychic.
Knowing when to infer meaning, and what kind of meaning to infer. Knowing when it isn’t about me and I’m getting something that pertains to someone else, or something else entirely.
How we make exchanges with people is representative of how we relate to them. To accept difficult thing from a person because that’s what they’ve got – the Grandmother who is going senile, the friend whose domestic problems mean they let you down – accepting this kind of thing and flexing around it is a gesture of love, and one that may never be noticed by the person you are gifting with your flexibility.
Some people are not terribly demonstrative, and small gestures mean a great deal. Without the inference, the whole relationship can vanish. Going the extra distance to infer care from someone who is not good at expressing it, or whose circumstances don’t permit that… is also a gift of love, and one that could well be noticed and mean a great deal to the person who cannot give more than these small but heartfelt things.
And then again there are the people who do not care whether their words and actions cause pain, and who are acting out of lack of care. There are the people who don’t show up because they couldn’t be bothered, who break promises easily, say things that were not meant and lash out when they feel like it. Sometimes they are honest enough about who they are to just own that – take it or leave it. Sometimes, to cover for having been shitty, and wanting to be thought well of, they will spin excuses, or more damagingly, reasons why it was all your fault anyway.
In the absence of psychic powers, distinguishing the well meant, entirely human failure from those who enjoy a bit of sadism is not always easy. The only thing I’ve come up with, is whether a person cares if they think they’ve hurt you inadvertently. That’s a tricky one to explore and balance up, too, because the person whose circumstances make it impossible for them not to hurt you sometimes – people who are dying, or have illnesses that affect personality and mental function being the most obvious cases… people in this kind of situation who do not want to hurt you, may try to send you away for your own good. You may not want to be sent away.
Learning not to take anything personally is not a good answer to all things. There are times when it is vitally important to be able to take things personally. If you’re hearing I love you, I need you, I treasure your friendship, then failing to take that personally is a huge loss. If you are hearing difficult things, then failing to take it personally can mean not making needful changes.
