Bush vs. Gore vs. Nader: The Musical

Originally published December 15, 2000, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1413

I fell asleep watching CNN and its continuous coverage of the presidential mess—and I had a dream. In my dream, Bush, Gore, and Nader were each reading newspapers while “Fugue for Tinhorns” from Guys and Dolls was playing. Bush’s headline read, “Bush Wins!” Gore’s read, “Gore’s Got More!” Nader’s read, “Nader The Spoiler!” Then there was a trumpet fanfare, they lowered their papers, and each sang in succession…

Bush (to Gore)

I got the votes right here.

The people made it clear

They want me, ’cause my face

Is real sincere.

Concede!

Concede!

My dad says you should concede,

And my brother Jeb agreed:

Concede!

Concede!

Concede!

Concede!

My dad says you should concede,

And my brother Jeb agreed:

Concede!

Concede!

 

C’mon and give up, Gore!

You’re being such a bore!

Why should the country

Take this any more?

Give up!

Give up!

 

You know you should just

Give up!

It’s time for you to

Give up!

Give up!

 

My cabinet’s all set,

So no reprieve you’ll get!

I’ll execute the people’s

Will, you bet!

Concede!

Concede!

 

For God’s sake, will you concede?

I’m gonna go smoke some weed.

 

Concede!

Concede!

 

Give it up!

I got the votes

Right

Here!

 

Gore

But look: The ballot’s bad.

More votes are to be had,

If I could just get rid of this

Hanging chad.

Recount!

Recount!

We need to have hand recount.

 

Till we get the right amount,

Recount!

Recount!

 

As I already said,

My hopes are still not dead,

You snippy frat-boy, drives-

Drunk coke-snort head!

Got more!

Got more!

 

The truth is that Gore got more!

Who cares if I’m such a bore?

I still

Got more!

 

Joe Lieberman has got

At attitude that’s hot

We’ll count up votes until

Next Tu ’Bishvat.

 

Take back,

Take back,

We’re taking

The whole think back.

 

Took it back!

I got the votes

Right

Here!

 

Nader

I got just three percent

But I still made a dent,

And thanks to me

Al Gore is not president.

Gore sucks!

Gore sucks!

And George Bush—

He also sucks!

 

But I got no

matching bucks

That sucks!

That sucks!

 

Although my party Green

Was not a lean machine,

We made enough noise to be

heard, not seen

Kicked ass!

Kicked ass!

I wish we had kicked

some ass.

Instead, we gave Bush

a pass

He’s such

An ass.

 

I’m crying in my beers,

But don’t you worry, dears,

’Cause I’ll be back again

In just four years.

 

You both suck!

I got the votes

Right

Here!